Christmas. All about peace on earth and goodwill to all people. All that jazz. It’s just so magical, right?
If you’re reading this on Christmas day, it’s possible that you either don’t celebrate Christmas or your Christmas day is sucking beyond belief. We sympathize here at Cuddlebuggery. Our day is probably going shit too. Here is a handy holiday guide for asocial book lovers when dealing with Christmas and the inevitable people around who expect you to behave in some kind of friendly, interactive manner.
1. Fuck that. Ignore everyone and read a good book.
2. If someone interrupts your reading time, look up at them from your book and quietly mouth, “Fuck the fuck away from me, fucker.” Use your intense eyes.
3. Throw books at everyone that approaches you and then scream at them for damaging your precious books with their faces.
4. Give everyone books for Christmas and encourage them to immediately start reading those books as opposed to speaking to you. Anyone who complains is struck off for life. FOR LIFE!
5. Collect the discarded wrapping paper, wrap up your favourite books and pretend they’re your real Holiday presents because the ones you got sucked.
6. Build a book fort and hide in it.
7. If you are forced to carry on boring conversations with people, ignore their side of the discussion and just randomly quote book lines instead. Example:
Random dude: “Then I doubled my stock options this month. So that, with my Christmas bonus, means I’m doing pretty well.”
You: “Yer a wizard, Harry.”
Random dude: “Oh? You’re a Harry Potter fan? Which was your favourite movie?”
You: “Angry people are not always wise.”
Random dude: “Wait, what?”
You: “May the odds be ever in your favour.”
Random dude: *Starts to back away*
8. When thanking the host, always be grateful. Let them know what a great time you had by telling them, “Today was almost as good as this book I gave three stars to the other day. Almost. Less marzipan next time okay? Two and half stars. Not bad.”
9. Hide books everywhere and call yourself the book fairy. Then demand them back from the people who found them because your mood is as changeable as your power is great.
10. Instead of saying “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy Holidays” etc to people, wish them a “Merry Bookmas!” Then lean forward and whisper. “Read something today. Anything. Or they’ll come for you in the night…Then there’s no telling what they’ll do to you.” Insert and evil cackle to round it off.