What To Do Now That You’re Goodreads’ 1%
This week, Goodreads ran a database query to figure out whose reviews received the most likes and attention. They took that result and emailed the Top 1% to inform them that they are now Lords and Masters of Goodreads.
On behalf of the Goodreads team, I want to say thank you. You’re in the top 1% of reviewers on Goodreads! Your many thoughtful book reviews help make us a vibrant place for book lovers.
And our community has been growing! We now number more than 20 million members on Goodreads.
Every day readers from all over the world are connecting over a love of books. And our 25 million reviews – including yours – are a big part of that conversation.
Thank you for your support of Goodreads, and keep reading! I’m looking forward to seeing what you think of your next book!
Share the news with your friends that you’re in the top 1% of Goodreads reviewers!
Being a Top 1% Goodreader is more than just a position. It’s a privilege. This email wasn’t just an empty gesture sent to an approximate 200k people as a means of promotion. It was letting us know that there is class warfare on Goodreads and that we have won it. No longer are you some chum, hard-reviewing day and night in the never ending rat race to make it onto that coveted Top Reviewer’s list! You’ve made it, my friend! Even if you didn’t make a list…
The point is, “making it” on Goodreads is totally meaningful and not at all a splendiforous nothingness that has no tangible effect on anything of importance. Now that you’re the 1%, you have a duty to your 99% Goodreaders. A long, time honoured tradition! And yet, there is also work to be done. As the top 1% we need a plan, we need a system, we need… a leader! And dare I say, that leader should be me – for who else is heartless and evil enough for the position? So, without further ado, I lay out my grand, master plan for your consideration.
Image by Irisa a.
1. Oppress the 99%
The first part of being the top 1% is that you have a sworn holy crusade to crush the 99% beneath your gold-capped heel (gold caps are ridiculous, by the way, since gold is so soft and pliable. But you don’t care, because you own Goodreads. Huzzah!)
Now that you’re somebody, it’s important to acknowledge that your effort, and only your effort, is what catapulted you to this position. And by that logic, all those 99% are simply not trying hard enough or working hard enough. Why shouldn’t you, the hardest working 1%, receive most of Teh Coveted Likes? Why shouldn’t you get promoted above all others? You’re keeping Goodreads afloat! Single-handedly.
So now make it your crusade to never “like” a 99% review. Let’s all join a 1% club, exclude 99% as the dirty, huddled, unliked masses that they are, and ensure we get ALL the likes!
2. Take Over Goodreads
It’s simply not enough to covet all of Teh Coveted Likes. It’s not like they’re something given out for free, with no caps on how many likes can be given, completely arbitrary and of very little significance in the grand scheme of the universe. No. They are definitely coveted, but they are not enough.
It’s important to remember that, now that you’re a 1 Percenter, you practically run Goodreads. If Goodreads didn’t have people reviewing, commenting, browsing, friending, flirting, carrying on illicit online book relationships with each other, then it would be dead. So, by that logic, since you’re the top 1%, you pretty much own the place. Now is your chance to stage a coup. Now that Goodreads has admitted how vital we are as a group, we must band together, insist we participate in Board Meetings, run the Goodreads agenda, and make any and all changes we see fit to the site!
First step is a new search function! ([/endsarcasm] no, for real, can we make this happen please?)[Sarcasmresume]
Next step is to carefully monitor who can use the almighty gifs and picture reviews. My advice is that only 1% reviewers should be allowed to use this. Hey, if 99% wanted to use pictures and gifs in their reviews, then they should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and make it into the 1%! Just like we did!
3. Next step: The World!
There really isn’t anything we can’t achieve now that we’re 1%. I’m waiting for American President Barrack Obama to call me about the American economic crisis. I’m sure he’s just been really busy. But I see how much being a top reviewer and 1 Percenter really impacts my…impact on the world. My ability to write real good has cemented my place in the Universe. Presently, I am the center of it.
Let’s be clear, everyone should be super proud of this momentous achievement. Don’t let any sarcastic bitches try to tear it down. But let’s not let it get to our heads. We have a whole world to conquer and enslave. It may take a lot of Teh Coveted Likes, but I’m sure we can do it. Now, where is that Like button in real life?
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