Random Reads: Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob

2 March, 2012 Random Reads, Reviews 16 comments

Random Reads: Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or JacobTwilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob by Louise Deacon
Series: Standalone
Published by Summersdale on May 1st 2012
Pages: 320
Genres: Young Adult
Format: Paperback
Amazon Good BooksBook Depository
Goodreads
one-star

Combining elements from the popular Twilight saga with accessible pop psychology, a guide to finding eternal love. Stephanie Meyer's supernatural romance saga has inspired millions of people worldwide with its tale of a young girl torn between two apparently perfect loves. Many fans are now on the hunt for their own real-life Edward or Jacob. Luckily for all the Twilight fans out there, this book uncovers the seven secret steps towards true love. Inspired by the saga, these secrets reveal the relevance of Bella's experiences to your own love life, explain your feelings for Edward and Jacob, and expose the perils of Twilight's powerful, romantic messages.

Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob.

Alternative title: Thank You, Gullible Twilight Fans, For My New Sports Car.

Alternative, Alternative title: Holy fuck the Scientologists were right.  Psychologists are evil.

Because Louise Deacon is a psychologist as per her author profile:

My name is Louise Deacon, and Im [sic] a clinical psychologist and university tutor with 20 years experience in helping people who are facing a difficult point in their lives.

If, for some unfathomable reason, that doesn’t reassure your suspicions, then please note – I did actually check on the British Psychological Society and found a Ms. L A Deacon CPsychol AFBPsS, living in Surrey, on their register.

This review is for the first, free chapters of the book available on Amazon.

The first thing I wish to share with you is the Table of Contents:

Secret 1: The Power of Twilight Revealed

Hahahahahhahahahaha!  Hahahahahahahahaahahaa!  Okay, I have that out of my system.  Moving on!

Discover why Edward and Jacob appeal to your deepest human needs

*Snort* Sorry.  Continue.

Chapter 1: Will you find your Edward?  Will you find your Jacob [sic]
Chapter 2: Why Edward and Jacob have captured your heart
Chapter 3: Twilight: The Ultimate Romance</i>
Chapter 4: Edward and Jacob are Gods and you Need Them Now
Secret 2: Discover the Hidden Dangers of Your Romantic Imagination:
Understand how Twilight has shaped the way you look at men.


Pause to think those lines over.  Twilight is the ultimate romance and Edward and Jacob are Gods that you need now.

Chapter 5: Twilight and Your Love Life
Chapter 6: Twilight Has Raised The Bar For Men Too High
Secret 3: Loving a Human
Examine the truth about your feelings for Edward and Jacob, and find out why only a human can fulfill your needs as a woman.

Chapter 7: You Need a Real Man in Your Life, Not a God in Human Form
Chapter 8: Wonderful, Wonderful Men
Secret 4: Knowing Yourself:
Explore Bella’s character and needs in a relationship, and discover how to learn more about your own character and needs.

Can I just say, I have so, so much to learn about life from Bella Swan.  Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Chapter 9: How Well Do You Know Yourself
Chapter 10: Bella’s Self Awareness
Chapter 11: Insights From Your Relationship History
Chapter 12: How To Be More Self-aware: Bella, Edward’s and Jacob’s Personalities
Secret 5: How to Get A Deep Insight Into Your Boyfriend:
Examine how Bella saw Edward and how you can uncover the truth about your boyfriend’s personality.

First step: Google
Second step: Background check
Third step: hacking his email, stalking him on social networks, following him around town and building a shrine to him in your bedroom.
Fourth step: Unibomber.

Chapter 13: Why The Truth About a Man is Hard to See
Chapter 14: How to Be a Good Judge of Men
Chapter 15: How to Learn More About Your Boyfriend
Secret 6: How to Know if Your Relationship Really Works:
Learn how Bella and Edward worked as a couple and the ways you can develop insight into how your relationship works.

I love the phrasing of that sentence.  “How Bella and Edward worked as a couple.”  Mostly because it makes me hope that I was reading a completely different book to a CLINICAL FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST!  If not… I’m fucked.  I obviously have really unhealthy ideas about love.

Chapter 16: Are You Suited to Each Other
Chapter 17: What Your Arguments Say About Your Relationship: Bella’s Fights With Edward
Chapter 18: Do You Love Him As He Is
Secret Seven: How To Predict Your Future With Your Boyfriend:
Discover how to predict your future together.

I predict that I will be very drunk by the time this review is written.

Chapter 19: Will He Love You in The Way You Need
Chapter 20: Is He Your Edward? Is He Your Jacob [sic]
Chapter 21: Why Your Relationship Decisions – and Twilight – Are Important:
This book will deepen your understanding of Twilight

Look, I promise I’ll never say a word against Twilight again if. You’ll. Just. STOP. Please…PLEASE don’t deepen my understanding of Twilight.

The first chapter doesn’t seem too bad because it mostly starts out by saying that Twilight can cause girls to have unsatisfactory relationships.

However, then occasional sexism comes in.  Naturally, you’re a girl and you can’t have a fulfilling life without a man.  It’s biology, don’t you know?  Here’s your complimentary Edward – completely with batshit insanity and abusive issues.

One day, I’d like a book to mention that there is this shiny, hard thing you can get and it will never stalk you.

The end of chapter one, however, reveals a startling secret that no one, NO ONE has ever before considered.  To have a successful relationship, you need to both know yourself, and choose a good partner who meets your needs.

CALL THE PRESS!  NO!  CALL THE PRESIDENT OF WHATEVER COUNTRY YOU’RE IN!  Everyone needs to know this now.  Deacon has stumbled upon mystic knowledge of the Twilight and we must all take note.

Chapter 2: Edward reminds you of your mother and that’s why you love him.

Also: Men are attracted to the way you look.

No shit… I’m writing this down!

Also: You like sexy men.

Go on!  Tell me more!

To prove this, Deacon cleverly slips in a parable of two different men – one incredibly fit and strong, and the other tubby and out of shape.  Who would you chose?

Brilliant. Masterful.  I am in awe.

Also: Warrior men, prepared to fight for their women is “music to the female soul”.

Apparently Edward restores Bella’s self-esteem.  I’m still waiting to see evidence of this.

I don’t think I really need to say anything else.  By this point in the review writing process, I’m impressively drunk.  I couldn’t get through those two chapters without imbibing liberally.  From what I’ve seen, this book doesn’t actually contain any wisdom from Twilight, because there is no great relationship wisdom to gain from Twilight.  Except for, “don’t!” I guess…

It’s pretty clear from these two chapters that the author never intends her readers to find their own Edward or Jacob.  Nor does there really appear to be any secrets here.  AND IS DEACON EVEN YOUR REAL NAME?!

I don’t know, but of one thing I’m convinced.  Whilst typing this review, and getting superbly sloshed, my head fell onto the keyboard and this text appeared:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

I hate it when that happens!

Kat Kennedy

Kat Kennedy

Co-blogger at Cuddlebuggery
Kat Kennedy is a book reviewer and aspiring author in the Young Adult genre. She reviews critically but humorously and get super excited about great books. Find her on GoodReads.
Kat Kennedy
@Nafizaa AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! <rolls on ground of flowers in happiness> - 2 hours ago
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16 Responses to “Random Reads: Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob”

  1. Katie @ Blook Girl

    First, I LOVE that you used a gif from The Sword in the Stone. It made me LOL fer realz 😉

    Second, WTH?!!!! This book is serious?!

    I mean, look, I enjoyed the Twilight series the first time I read it, but I realize now that there are serious issues, not only with the book, but mostly with the relationships between the book’s characters. How anyone can portray the relationship between Bella and Edward as remotely healthy and desirable is beyond me!

    Ugh.

    That is all I can say.

  2. Kat Kennedy

    Thank you! Thank you all! Except for Tatiana who I’m pretty sure is looking at me with vague disapproval.

    It was a painful journey to get to the publish button – but somehow I made it through.

  3. Shelley

    I have to stick up for psychologists here. Any psychologist or mental bealth professional with ethics would scream foul on this one. It is so exploitative it actually makes me angry. I’ll be the first to admit that everyone in the mental health profession has issues (we are human after all), but this woman is a real whack job.

    • Kat Kennedy

      Absolutely Shelley.

      My best friend is a psychologist – so I definitely know they’re not all evil! It was a joke.

      I was going to offer an apology to psychologists and scientologists but…

      The scientologists might have believed it and started worshiping me – and the psychologists would know it was bullshit, so why bother?

      • Shelley

        No need for apology. I tell psych jokes all the time. I’m actually a counselor, but my boss is a psychologist. I’m always giving him shit. I actually read Twilight because I was working at an adolescent psych hospital and wanted to know what they were talking about. Interestingly the kids made several of the same comments about how if Edward were a real boy he’d be creepy. They found it entertaining, but agreed Edward & Bella could use some time in the hospital too. I was pretty impressed and encouraged.

  4. Patricia

    Shelley, I second that.

    I just wrote a three or four paragraphs long text about professional books and psychology and people, and also Norovirus, (which sucks. Bella in New Moon is not as suicidal as I am right now.) but I don’t think there’s a way to express how tired I am of books like this. There is just.. no NEED for this crap to be published, because every statement contradicts another one and blahblah blub!*

    Okay, I’ll just go and throw up a little. Gah.

    * Too frustrated to even point out why I’m frustrated.

  5. Lexie B.

    I think, as I read this, a small part of me died.

    I don’t intend to ever read the entire book as I quite enjoy being alive at the moment.

  6. Lake

    You seem to have completely misunderstood what this book is about? It’s actually about the dangers of abusive/controlling boyfriends like Edward and Jacob. Violence/bullying from boyfriends is a big issue for teenage girls, the age group who are massive fans of Twilight, and this book is about how to recognise the warning signs. Did you not read the chapter on why girls shouldn’t want a boyfriend like Edward and Jacob? Or the chapter on why the rela­tion­ship between Bella and Edward is unhealthy?

    I’d say that a book like this, that says to teenage fans of Twilight, “You think your dream boyfriend is like an Edward or Jacob? Think again” is extremely welcome. I suspect that if you read the entire book you’d realise that there’s actually an important message within.

    • Kat Kennedy

      Hi Lake,

      Did you not read the part where I said that this book begins by talking about abusive relationships and that I praised that aspect?

      Perhaps you should have, instead, read the rest of my complaints. Like the fact that it’s exploiting gullible Twilight fans or the fact that even if it does address that issue, it’s still a poorly written, trite, childish attempt at a self-help book.

      Those are my real issues.

  7. CrazyCatLady

    Sweet baby J. I barked out in laughter, BARKED when I read the title and thought, “No…no! They wouldn’t…they…but…no! This is…this is….on a shelf?! PEOPLE ARE PAYING FOR THIS?!”

    I had no idea this was real. I had to determine if maybe I accidentally ate some drugs. Re-establishing that I did not, I wasn’t sure whether to continue to laugh or weep. Who….who in their obviously-not-right mind said, “Great Caesar’s ghost! This must be published! Children should read this!”

    Take a bow Lady Kat, your work here is done.
    CrazyCatLady recently posted…Time does fly…My Profile

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