Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob by Louise Deacon
Pages: 320 (paperback)
Series: Oh damn. I hope not.
Combining elements from the popular Twilight saga with accessible pop psychology, a guide to finding eternal love. Stephanie Meyer’s supernatural romance saga has inspired millions of people worldwide with its tale of a young girl torn between two apparently perfect loves. Many fans are now on the hunt for their own real-life Edward or Jacob. Luckily for all the Twilight fans out there, this book uncovers the seven secret steps towards true love. Inspired by the saga, these secrets reveal the relevance of Bella’s experiences to your own love life, explain your feelings for Edward and Jacob, and expose the perils of Twilight’s powerful, romantic messages.
Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob.
Alternative title: Thank You, Gullible Twilight Fans, For My New Sports Car.
Alternative, Alternative title: Holy fuck the Scientologists were right. Psychologists are evil.
Because Louise Deacon is a psychologist as per her author profile:
My name is Louise Deacon, and Im [sic] a clinical psychologist and university tutor with 20 years experience in helping people who are facing a difficult point in their lives.
If, for some unfathomable reason, that doesn’t reassure your suspicions, then please note – I did actually check on the British Psychological Society and found a Ms. L A Deacon CPsychol AFBPsS, living in Surrey, on their register.
This review is for the first, free chapters of the book available on Amazon.
The first thing I wish to share with you is the Table of Contents:
Secret 1: The Power of Twilight Revealed
Hahahahahhahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaahahaa! Okay, I have that out of my system. Moving on!
Discover why Edward and Jacob appeal to your deepest human needs
*Snort* Sorry. Continue.
Chapter 1: Will you find your Edward? Will you find your Jacob [sic]
Chapter 2: Why Edward and Jacob have captured your heart
Chapter 3: Twilight: The Ultimate Romance</i>
Chapter 4: Edward and Jacob are Gods and you Need Them Now
Secret 2: Discover the Hidden Dangers of Your Romantic Imagination:
Understand how Twilight has shaped the way you look at men.
Pause to think those lines over. Twilight is the ultimate romance and Edward and Jacob are Gods that you need now.
Chapter 5: Twilight and Your Love Life
Chapter 6: Twilight Has Raised The Bar For Men Too High
Secret 3: Loving a Human
Examine the truth about your feelings for Edward and Jacob, and find out why only a human can fulfill your needs as a woman.
Chapter 7: You Need a Real Man in Your Life, Not a God in Human Form
Chapter 8: Wonderful, Wonderful Men
Secret 4: Knowing Yourself:
Explore Bella’s character and needs in a relationship, and discover how to learn more about your own character and needs.
Can I just say, I have so, so much to learn about life from Bella Swan. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Chapter 9: How Well Do You Know Yourself
Chapter 10: Bella’s Self Awareness
Chapter 11: Insights From Your Relationship History
Chapter 12: How To Be More Self-aware: Bella, Edward’s and Jacob’s Personalities
Secret 5: How to Get A Deep Insight Into Your Boyfriend:
Examine how Bella saw Edward and how you can uncover the truth about your boyfriend’s personality.
First step: Google
Second step: Background check
Third step: hacking his email, stalking him on social networks, following him around town and building a shrine to him in your bedroom.
Fourth step: Unibomber.
Chapter 13: Why The Truth About a Man is Hard to See
Chapter 14: How to Be a Good Judge of Men
Chapter 15: How to Learn More About Your Boyfriend
Secret 6: How to Know if Your Relationship Really Works:
Learn how Bella and Edward worked as a couple and the ways you can develop insight into how your relationship works.
I love the phrasing of that sentence. “How Bella and Edward worked as a couple.” Mostly because it makes me hope that I was reading a completely different book to a CLINICAL FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST! If not… I’m fucked. I obviously have really unhealthy ideas about love.
Chapter 16: Are You Suited to Each Other
Chapter 17: What Your Arguments Say About Your Relationship: Bella’s Fights With Edward
Chapter 18: Do You Love Him As He Is
Secret Seven: How To Predict Your Future With Your Boyfriend:
Discover how to predict your future together.
I predict that I will be very drunk by the time this review is written.
Chapter 19: Will He Love You in The Way You Need
Chapter 20: Is He Your Edward? Is He Your Jacob [sic]
Chapter 21: Why Your Relationship Decisions – and Twilight – Are Important:
This book will deepen your understanding of Twilight
Look, I promise I’ll never say a word against Twilight again if. You’ll. Just. STOP. Please…PLEASE don’t deepen my understanding of Twilight.
The first chapter doesn’t seem too bad because it mostly starts out by saying that Twilight can cause girls to have unsatisfactory relationships.
However, then occasional sexism comes in. Naturally, you’re a girl and you can’t have a fulfilling life without a man. It’s biology, don’t you know? Here’s your complimentary Edward – completely with batshit insanity and abusive issues.
One day, I’d like a book to mention that there is this shiny, hard thing you can get and it will never stalk you.
The end of chapter one, however, reveals a startling secret that no one, NO ONE has ever before considered. To have a successful relationship, you need to both know yourself, and choose a good partner who meets your needs.
CALL THE PRESS! NO! CALL THE PRESIDENT OF WHATEVER COUNTRY YOU’RE IN! Everyone needs to know this now. Deacon has stumbled upon mystic knowledge of the Twilight and we must all take note.
Chapter 2: Edward reminds you of your mother and that’s why you love him.
Also: Men are attracted to the way you look.
No shit… I’m writing this down!
Also: You like sexy men.
Go on! Tell me more!
To prove this, Deacon cleverly slips in a parable of two different men – one incredibly fit and strong, and the other tubby and out of shape. Who would you chose?
Brilliant. Masterful. I am in awe.
Also: Warrior men, prepared to fight for their women is “music to the female soul”.
Apparently Edward restores Bella’s self-esteem. I’m still waiting to see evidence of this.
I don’t think I really need to say anything else. By this point in the review writing process, I’m impressively drunk. I couldn’t get through those two chapters without imbibing liberally. From what I’ve seen, this book doesn’t actually contain any wisdom from Twilight, because there is no great relationship wisdom to gain from Twilight. Except for, “don’t!” I guess…
It’s pretty clear from these two chapters that the author never intends her readers to find their own Edward or Jacob. Nor does there really appear to be any secrets here. AND IS DEACON EVEN YOUR REAL NAME?!
I don’t know, but of one thing I’m convinced. Whilst typing this review, and getting superbly sloshed, my head fell onto the keyboard and this text appeared:
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
I hate it when that happens!
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