Here we are. We are doing this again. For sure I am drinking again.
I have a feeling I’m going to need all the alcohol I can get.
We start off with Clary’s big choice! The boy she’s always depended on (Simon) or the pidgeotto looking guy she just met (Jace).
The answer is obviously going to be Simon and yet there she is. Walking in with Jace. Who Simon describes as a Mick Jagger look alike. I don’t know who should be more offended. Dominic Sherwood or the audience.
They enter the abandoned church where Simon has a completely reasonable response to Jace burning himself with a crystal – one that gets completely ignored by Clary. We have to start questioning her judgement.
Anyway, before Simon’s eyes the seemingly abandoned church turns into the operational headquarters for the Shadowhunters.
AND THEN THEY LAUNCH INTO THE MOST BORING AND POSSIBLY UNNECESSARY BACKSTORY I HAVE EVER HEARD AND OMG SOMEBODY FIGHT SOMETHING OR MAKEOUT WITH THEIR HALF BROTHER OR ANYTHING TO SPARE ME FROM THIS.
Seriously, this show is so good when they’re not trying to tell you the boring details of their boring plot.
Then, just in time before my eyeballs melt out of my skull and my brain implodes like jam in a microwave, Isabelle turns up and saves me with her hotness. Apparently she appeals to the Simon demographic too. Who am I kidding? She’s almost everyone’s demographic.
We cut scene to an underground car park where Luke shows up to do his Lukey thing. I don’t know what that is tbh. But I think the insinuation is that he’s a werewolf of some kind? He tears a woman apart and howl’s like a wolf so Imma go with hairy wolf man!
Now we’re back in the institute and Clary is about to get hot and sweaty… Oh yeah baby. Oh no. Actually they’re just talking. Chatty, Chatty, Chatty, blah blah blah. Jocelyn was a member of the Circle and as a group they were going to kill off most of the world. Yadda yadda yadda.
We get to the cup!
It creates more Shadowhunters and controls demons, apparently.
Can we just skip all that hodge podge to the point where Clary calls Jace an emotionless G.I. Joe and accuses him of not knowing what it’s like to lose a parent not FIVE MINUTES after he admitted to losing his father?
The acting is still appalling but we’re just in it from the cheese so I’m not marking on a curve here.
Anyway! The plan is to get to Dot to find out about the cup.
But we skip right to Luke going through people’s belongings. He and Dot talk about keeping Clary safe and part ways as unlikely rivals who have the exact same goals. I just can’t with these people. You both want the same thing! Why are you suddenly all fiercely rivalistic about it?!
But none of that matters because we are back to my two favourite people! Simon and Isabelle! Where they do absolutely nothing and talk about nothing we don’t already know about – and before either of them get to show off much awesomeness – we skip back to Jace and Clary. Boo.
And skip straight to Valentine being creepy again and then off to Luke. What is with the directing? It’s all jumping, jumping, jumping? I can’t keep up with this episode.
The Police Captain who seems smart and, frankly, awesome – is checking up on Clary with Luke and he just made the classic rookie mistake of telling a lie that can easily be checked. I’m hoping she busts his ass (not because I legitimately believe he’s evil) but because I am totally fangirling over her.
Okay, is it me or does Clary kind of slutshame Isabelle and look down her nose at her for wearing revealing clothes? Cause if that’s the case: I’m going to throw down. Clary was, of her own volition, wearing something far more revealing in the first episode. No, no, that’s it. Clary has gone too far by disparaging my future bride!
Anyway, Luke is talking to a dude who I assume is the aforementioned Alaric about hunting Clary down LIKE THE DOG SHE IS. No wait, Luke’s the dog? I don’t know. I’m just after blood at this point. Too much talking, not enough fighting and sex.
Okay, then we skip to Alec, Isabelle’s brother, being a pissy little shit to Clary. And even though Clary was judging teh precious and her outfits, I do NOT give him permission to point in her face like that. JEEZ. Rude…
Anyway, Dot has gone to Magnus whose hotness in this episode is being drizzled away by his bad acting. I am disappoint.
Dot turns down Magnus’s cowardly plan to run away and gets herself beaten up in an alley. Clary sees and races to the resc-
Nope she’s too late.
Now we’re going to The Silent Brothers in the… DUN DUN DUN – City of Bones. The title of the first book of the Mortal Instrument series.
So they get in the Shadowhunter-mobile and head out.
Am I wrong or is… Alec like totally in love with Jace? Well, if it isn’t canon I’m sure I’ll find a helluva lot of fan fiction to satisfy THAT particular itch.
Also, getting back to the actual story, Clary just crushed Simon’s little heart so I’m back to hating her.
Valenting is being creepy about someone OTHER than Jocelyn right now. He just can’t seem to help the creep-factor, can he? But he has Dot in a cage. And he’s threatening her. I don’t approve.
Did you know we’re a little over halfway through this episode? Because I am SO aware of it.
Clary enters the den of the Silent Brothers with Alec and just before we see Clary in immense amounts of pain (which I would have enjoyed for the schadenfreude purposes) we skip back to Luke. Who clearly lies on one count, and then gets on the Captain’s radar for being a piece of shit. I like her. I will look into which states would allow me to marry both her and Isabelle in a joint wedding.
We skip back to Clary entering the City of Bones. Let me set the scene for you – Sherwood actually gets to use some of those acting chops that I knew he had. While McNamara doesn’t completely fall on her face. Yeah, we’ve reached that level of expectations. There’s some light flirting which gets me interested. Basically because anybody at all flirting sends out a beacon to me.
So then flirting turns into Jace being a dick because normal human interactions escape him. Like, accept an apology, dude!
Oh look! They’re holding hands!
Annnnnnnd there are creepy guys showing up. Extras from the set of Buffy by the looks of it.
Ugh. Boring. Go back to the flirting.
Also, take Alec and dump him in a river. Because he is being rude to Simon and that is just not allowed. Look, asshole. Just because you’re all in leathers and Simon is a nerd does not give you the right to shit all over him!
Okay, so you know how I just did that impassioned defence of Simon?
Well, Isabelle heard something creak in the woods. So she tells Simon not to leave the van. So of course, while she goes off to check he… puts headphones and music on. God Simon… I WAS JUST DEFENDING YOU.
Why you let me down so?
Anyway, Clary has her memory probed by the Buffy Monster rip-offs and we learn that Valentine is her father. EW, Jocelyn! He’s so creepy! I thought you had better taste than that.
Clary does the dash of horror away from Jace so that’s certainly going to end well.
We cut to Chernobyl which is a relief because if I have to sit through one more second of McNamara’s faux-grief I’m probably going to lose my mind.
Dot breaks her chains and tries to escape. She’s talking to Jocelyn and then she gets attacked. AAAAANNNNDDDD killed. I think. I dunno. Seems pretty final.
We cut back to Simon’s predicament and it turns out HE’S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY VAMPIRES AND I’M NOT OKAY.