It’s Valentines day, and what’s the best way to spend it? Why, making people as miserable as you are! Annoying authors is something that we here at Cuddlebuggery do a lot. Sometimes it feels like a mission statement that permeates everything we do. Turns out that it’s not so hard to do, and not in the way you think. Sure, you think writing negative reviews would make this list, but it doesn’t. Because many authors are totally cool about you writing your opinions on their book. But doing one of the following? You’re likely to start ticking them off.
1. Asking authors for ARCs.
This is a fabulous way to annoy an author! Not only because they will almost always be the wrong person to ask (if they’re traditionally published) but because you’re basically asking them to pay out of their own pocket, in order to send you a free book. It’s like doubly evil! Not only are you trying to eat into their small profit margin, but you’re not even contributing to it in the slightest sense! This is especially evil when you consider that you could ask the publicist and put through an official request! Our favourite way to antagonise poor, helpless authors is to use this method.
Me: Hey, author! I saw the gorgeous picture of your cat you posted!
Author: Aw! Thanks, Kat!
Me: It would be a shame if…anything were to happen to it.
Author: Haha! You’re so funny!
Me: Yes. Funny. So. Can I have a copy of your book, please?
Author: Omg, I’m so sorry. I only got a few arcs this time, so I don’t have any to give out. Have you tried asking my publicist?
Me: Oh, I’m so sad to hear that, author. Well, give your kitty a pet for me!
Author: Sure will! Oh, I can’t seem to find her.
Me: Really. What a coincidence. I think I have! Want a picture?
Author: OMG! MISTER KIBBLES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, KAT!?
Me: So…have any extra arcs now, huh?
FYI, this tactic has never failed.
2. Tweeting negative reviews at authors
I just love this one because it’s delicious in its diabolicalness. And as you know, the vast majority of authors love reviewers and try to resist reading negative reviews lest it ruin their whole day. But there they are, minding their own business on their social media which they need to maintain to stay relevant, and along comes a tweet TO them with a negative review of their book! It’s beautiful! Just imagine them spending the rest of the day crying in the bathtub while eating a tub of ice-cream because they accidentally read a negative review that they weren’t mentally braced for!
For extra good results, you should not only tweet your negative review of their book at them, but also copy them in on all conversations you have about how much the book failed!
3.Expecting them to read your blog.
Don’t you just love it how, even when they have a tight touring schedule and they’re under deadline for their next book, an author should still read your blog. And it’s totally realistic to get pissed at them if they don’t. I don’t know how many times a day I have to have this conversation with various authors. Jay’s the worst for it. “Waaahh! But I’m up until 1pm writing every night and we’re moving house!”
Gah! So many goddamn excuses!
And commenting! It only takes a few hours a day to go around to every single book blog and leave a comment! Authors are just so damn lazy. Maybe if they’d read my blog every day for the last two years, I’d have read more than 20 pages of their book before I DNFed it.
4. Asking them where you can download free copies of their books
This one’s a biggie. This is THE best way to annoy an author. It’s kind of counter-intuitive for them to get upset though, when you think about it. I mean, you’re showing a definite interest in their book. They should be flattered! AND since they wrote it, they probably keep the closest eye on it in online searches. Actually, they probably have a list of all the best places to illegally download it since they have to send those pesky DMC takedown notices. Shouldn’t be too hard for them to let you know which sites they haven’t had a chance to contact yet so you can download their book before it gets taken down. Yet for some reason, this one really pisses them off. Trust me.
5. Asking to crash at their house
This one, again, is just really silly for them to get pissed at. I am CONSTANTLY hearing about my trustworthiness. Comments like, “You can always trust Kat to drink all the booze.” and, “Wow, trust Kat to ritually disembowel goats as a sacrifice to her pagan god at my vegan birthday party.”
Yet every time I ask authors if I can crash at their house, they’re all like, “No! Last time you stayed here you stole my top secret manuscript and seeded it online. Now get off my couch. Jesus, Kat, how did you ever get in here?”
Like it’s even my fault that they left their “precious” manuscript double encrypted on their password protected machine where anyone with three hackers and a bevy of computer virus could access it after 35 hours of combined effort.
Also, you left your back door unlocked, motherfucker!