Five Step Method To Ensure Non-Plagiarism Real Good
2013 is turning out to be the year of blogger plagiarism. There have been at least four scandals this week and it isn’t even over yet. Good people, great bloggers, wonderful friends of ours have been hit with the big P. I’ve named it the Plagiarism Plague in honor of the event. It’s like the Black Plague only without the boils and death and fleas. Truthfully, I don’t know what the Black Plague was, but… yeah, probably not similar at all now that I think about it…
But if you notice something weird, as far as we know, Cuddlebuggery has never been plagiarized. This is due, almost entirely, to our patented Five Step Method To Ensure Non-Plagiarism Real Good. If you follow these five steps, then you too, could ensure you’re never plagiarized!
1. Don’t write real good
You know, you really brought this on yourself by being awesome at what you do. You express yourself eloquently, with style and substance and engage your readers with the power of your written word. But that’s really hard to do and much easier to fabricate. The first step to not being plagiarized is to stop putting your words together in a way that makes sense-like. When a plagiarist sees that they have to move your words in a way that will make gooderer English? Well, it just takes up too much damn time! Pretty soon preying plagiarists will be coming to your blog, seeing your jumbled prose and moving along as fast as internet will take them!
Grammar and good English is your not-friend. Words in their order proper is bad.
2. Make up a bunch of words and stick them placewheres
Nothing is harder to plagiarize than nonsense. I mean, have you ever seen one of those crazy hobbos on the street with their, “The world shall end tomorrow. Repent and worship the almighty tomato!” sandwich boards, crying that they’ve been plagiarized? No, you know why? Because indiscriminate insanity is hard to replicate. And hey, look at it this way: Shakespeare made up words all the time! Over 1,700 of them! Only just because he happens to be a “genius” and “famous” they don’t say he made them up – they say he invented them. Which is just a fancy word that means he made them up but people didn’t think he was crazy for it! And you don’t need to be madjuiced either, my readfan! So what if you’re not a fifteenth century bard celebrated throughout nowish-time? You’re still a blogsmith and you hobberdanglies often! And if people don’t know what a hobbergangly is then they can’t steal it!
3. Inject crudeness so massive and erect that nobody would ever think of taking it
Most people consider themselves good, proper people. To maintain a certain aura of respectability, they have to distance them a little bit from rancid stench of the lowbrow shit-mongers. So when you talk a lot about bodily fluids, STDs, unmentionable personal processors and bulge your posts with the tell-tale dick jokes that make Cuddlebuggery so great, well that’s not an example most people want to emulate for themselves. And the great thing about being so flatulent and basking so gleefully in your own odor is that others will keep their distance. Refuse to acknowledge that you exist, and be ashamed to be seen with you or using any string of words that you have ever put together. Also, you know, your readership will tend to be simpletons so maybe they won’t even know how to plagiarize any way. *Steph frantically whispers in Kat’s ear* Oh, OH! I totally didn’t mean you guys! You regular readers of Cuddlebuggery! No. You’re the smartest, prettiest people ever.
4. Write about posts so obscure and boring that people can’t stay awake reading them
You know what’s fascinating? My son has been very sick the last couple of days. First he woke up with a fever and we rushed to the doctors, but whilst in the car, he seemed to perk up a little and the panadol had kicked in so we went home. But he’s been on the couch a lot the last couple of days which was really inconvenient because we were in the middle of moving two different rooms. So. Much. Work. But our new study is fantastic and the kid’s new playroom is really coming along. That, considering I’m sore all over. I think there’s something wrong with my knees and they’re making my hips hurt but I’m still going to the gym… AND WHO GIVES A SHIT? Amirite? Amirite? Now who on earth would plagiarize that bullshit? Noooooo sirree! Nobody wants to know about your child’s toilet training, that girl you secretly have a crush on but didn’t talk to for the sixty-eight time. Your annoying boss is boring, that time your interior designer picked the wrong colour white, which seven cheeses you’ve chosen for dinner that evening – boring, boring, boring! And if you’re boring enough as you talk about your boring shit then you never need worry about people replicating it and using it as their own.
5. To be safe – never write anything ever
You know, what the hell? You try, you work hard! You write a crazy incomprehensible mess, you create nonsense words, you talk about that one time you puked carrots (spoiler: it was every time and you don’t even eat carrots!) and STILL someone plagiarizes you! It’s like this unfair thing that maybe isn’t anybody’s fault but the plagiarist’s, and might not be something you can control at all.
Clearly, the only recourse left to you is to stop writing altogether. Don’t let anyone steal your words! In fact, best make sure that nobody can steal them right out of your head, either! There’s these things I’ve been hearing about which might be helpful:
So be safe, people. A lot of good, amazing bloggers have been struck down with Rampant Plagiarized Disorder. It hits them where it hurts. It damages the community, and most of all – it proves that good, talented writers are hurt, and suffer the emotional consequences.. That those with talent and a strong voice become victims for that very skill. And mostly, it proves that we here at Cuddlebuggery are NOT good or talented writers! Because clearly no one would want to steal our half-baked rantings even at their most desperate. And you know what that’s called?
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