GUYS. GUYS. I’m not even sure how to introduce this guest post because it’s completely badass and doesn’t even NEED an intro. So we’re just gonna get right to it. Delilah S. Dawson, author of Hit, and Awesome Person on Twitter, is here to share with you her Zombie Apocalypse Survival Crew. She’s no stranger to survival stories since Hit is about a girl living in a dystopian society, so we knew she’d be perfect to tackle this Very Important Subject. (I just hope she remembers the Cuddlebuggery gang when the zombies come to attack.) Check out her hilarious post and enter for a chance to win a copy of Hit!
Take it away, Delilah!
Oh no! Zombies!
Or: How I End Up Alive And Probably Eating You
Look, the world is over, zombies roam the earth, and I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to live. And scrounge up as much Synthroid as I can so that my thyroid disease won’t go crazy. If I want to thrive in this corpse-spackled future, I’m going to need a great team. Here’s who I’d recruit:
The leader: Natasha Romanov/Black Widow (The Avengers)
Weapon: Anything. Everything. She can kill you with your own trachea.
She’s a leader, she can act, she can gather intelligence, she speaks dozens of languages, she’s a survivor, she’s stealthy, and she’s proven that if you’re on her side, she’ll do anything to help you. I also wish to know how she keeps her hair looking awesome during every fight scene.
The XO: Me.
Weapon: My compound bow and my trusty .38.
I thrive as the Zoe, the Spock, the #2 to a brave and canny #1. Also, this means that when Natasha has her amazing death scene, I’ll be there to hold her and make a great speech about how her book is finally black, then knife her when she starts gibbering and snapping.
That’s really me and my bow, BTW.
The hunter: Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead)
Weapon: Crossbow and grouchiness.
The wise-cracking badass: Hannibal King (Blade 3)
Weapon: Razor-sharp wit. Kitana. Guns. Hand-to-hand combat. Hotness.
If you haven’t seen the masterpieces that is Blade 3, then just imagine Ryan Reynolds ten years ago, with facial hair, before he was doing RomComs and Disney films, cracking wise with an 8-pack in leather pants as he kills a million vampires. Yeah. Somebody’s got to repopulate the Earth, right?
The one who keeps us honest: Patsy Klein (HIT)
Weapon: Two Glocks and an overweight Labrador.
In HIT, I wanted to write a teen girl protagonist with the guts and commitment to do what she has to do to save the people she cares about… but who still has a heart that suffers and regrets every pull of the trigger. Patsy is a survivor who’s not afraid to say unpopular truths, and she always gets the job done. And her dog, Matty, is pretty good at providing comfort and finishing food scraps. That’ll keep the apocalypse tidy!
The doctor: Carlisle Cullen (Twilight)
Weapon: Teeth, head-tearing action, 300+ years of knowledge.
Carlisle is basically the best chance we have at staying alive, medically speaking. He knows everything about everything from 1700 to now and is mostly indestructible, unless the zombies have mastered head-tearing and have enough body density to pull it off at superhuman speed. He’s also pleasant, reasonable, and capable of feeding on any human enemies—if they deserve it. Since he doesn’t sleep, he could guard the crew, every night. And maybe, just maybe, if you get bitten by a zombie, he could turn you into a super beautiful, sparkly vampire before you turn gross and squashy.
Also, he’s good with a bat.
The tough as nails nurse who *really* gets the work done: Carla Espinosa (Scrubs)
Weapon: Sass, the startling ability to tell you what you’re doing wrong, and needles. Lots of needles.
Everybody focuses on the doctor, and Carlisle has a lot of great qualities, but we all know it’s the nurse who really cares. Carla’s probably the only person on earth who would argue with a vampire doctor, and then she would join you for Girl Time later to paint your toenails with whatever you scrounged from the broken-down drugstore. Good friends are hard to find in the zombiepocalypse.
The one who feeds us and enforces good manners: Hannibal Lecter (Hannibal)
Weapon: Pretty much anything.
Finding food during the zombie outbreak is hard. Making it tasty is even harder. Hannibal is skilled at using every bit of a body, from the meat to the offal. He knows about plants and creatures and human psychology. And with him in your party, no one would be rude. Ever. How blissful would that be?
He could probably even make zombie meat taste good.
The sweet one who can hot-wire a tank: Kaylee (Firefly)
Weapon: Mad mechanical skills and an unfailingly cheerful outlook.
Everyone in the group can’t be a walking weapon. Kaylee might not be great with a gun, but you could count on her to get that old bus, boat, or motorcycle running and to smile while doing it. She can also spackle a cake with chocolate protein, which would make birthdays more pleasant.
The crazy one: Louise (Bob’s Burgers)
Weapon: Diminutive size, sociopathic tendencies, loud voice, willingness to kill.
If you have to have a kid around, it might as well be a weird, crafty one. And with those pink bunny ears, you’d be able to keep track of her, as long as she stayed out of corn fields. Bonus: She can cook a mean burger. Anybody want a Night of the Living Feta burger?
And if she goes bad? Look at the flowers, Louise.
The historian/woodsman/survivalist: Ichabod Crane (Sleepy Hollow)
Weapon: Axe, old-fashioned guns, cheekbones.
Navigating a city is one thing, but navigating a forest without a GPS is another thing entirely. Ichabod has a flawless memory and knows how to move in the wild—and kill what needs to be killed. And I’d love to hear him get in a snappy argument with Hannibal King. Which would then be broken up by Daryl Dixon’s crossbow in somebody’s face.
I mean, yes, okay, keep doing what you’re doing there, sir.
The one who accidentally dies first: Justin Bieber
Weapon: Toxic scent of Axe spray.
Why? Because someone shoved him into the pit of zombies.
But wait. Why was he allowed in our group in the first place?
Thanks so much for inviting me to play in your zombie forest, y’all!
1 winner will receive a hardcover of Hit.
NO ONE READS THE FINE PRINT.
The good news is that the USA is finally out of debt. The bad news is that we were bought out by Valor National Bank, and debtors are the new big game, thanks to a tricky little clause hidden deep in the fine print of a credit card application. Now, after a swift and silent takeover that leaves 9-1-1 calls going through to Valor voicemail, they’re unleashing a wave of anarchy across the country.
Patsy didn’t have much of a choice. When the suits showed up at her house threatening to kill her mother then and there for outstanding debt unless Patsy agreed to be an indentured assassin, what was she supposed to do? Let her own mother die?
Patsy is forced to take on a five-day mission to complete a hit list of ten names. Each name on Patsy’s list has only three choices: pay the debt on the spot, agree to work as a bounty hunter, or die. And Patsy has to kill them personally, or else her mom takes a bullet of her own.
Since yarn bombing is the only rebellion in Patsy’s past, she’s horrified and overwhelmed, especially as she realizes that most of the ten people on her list aren’t strangers. Things get even more complicated when a moment of mercy lands her with a sidekick: a hot rich kid named Wyatt whose brother is the last name on Patsy’s list. The two share an intense chemistry even as every tick of the clock draws them closer to an impossible choice.
Delilah S. Dawson offers an absorbing, frightening glimpse at a reality just steps away from ours—a taut, suspenseful thriller that absolutely mesmerizes from start to finish.
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