When Love Triangles Should be Threesomes

28 January, 2014 Musing Musers 40 comments

Ever read a book with a really great love triangle, and you think to yourself – C’mon guys! Just all make out and this drama would be over already.

The two love interests are up in each other’s faces, each fighting passionately over the protagonist. Things get heated. Tempers flare. Then you remember how quickly hate turns to love. Tempers to passion. Then you start hissing, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

They’re nose to nose, huffing hot breaths of air, their chests heaving with anger. “Kiss! C’mon! Just kiss already!”

But they never do, and deep inside, you know they totally should. All of them should kiss. Then all of them can walk hand-in-hand into the sunset happily ever after. If you know what I mean, then come read some of my biggest offenders.

Clockwork Angel

Clockwork Angel

I think we all know that I did not like this novel in any significant way. However, I can’t be the only one wondering why there needed to be a love triangle. Will and Jem often seemed pretty damn into each other.  So why make Theresa choose when they could have schnuggled up together to play Cuddle monkies? I didn’t read the other two books in this series, so I don’t know what went down after book one. However, I argue that, however it ended, wouldn’t one big threesome have been infinitely superior as far as endings going?

As my first piece of evidence:

Tessa-Will-and-Jem-the-infernal-devices-29348740-1024-1100

I have no other evidence. Admit it. This is how it should have been.

Under the Never Sky

Under the Never Sky

In many ways, I felt the need to put this on the list, even though I thought in many ways it doesn’t belong. Not that I don’t think Roar, Perry and Aria wouldn’t make the best threesome ever.  I like the fact that they’re not an actual love triangle to begin with, so it wasn’t until the end of Into the Still Blue that I felt comfortable feeling that, yeah, they should marry each other and stay together forever. The positive platonic relationship between Roar and Aria throughout the series was such a big plus in the story for me. But now that it’s done, I kind of want three way smoochies, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

Not only are Roar and Aria so close, but so is Roar and Perry. And so is Aria and Perry, obviously. Since they’ve already largely worked out the jealousy issue, c’mon guys! Take it to the next level!

I present to you a picture from Rossi’s own website!

image9

Gee! I wonder where the three of them are going. So deep into the woods. All alone…

Shadow and Bone

Shadow and Bone

Now, this is the kind of book where two dudes both want the girl and despise each other. Alina, Mal and the Darkling wouldn’t make a good long term threesome. The Darkling wants Alina for her powers and Mal hates him in a way that I doubt could be conquered by the power of love. Yet still. This book is on the list because Mal and Darkling are so hot, that who would want to pass up the chance to have them both? This doesn’t need to be a one or other, Alina! Just talk them into a time share deal! I’m blushing just imagining it. It doesn’t have to be forever, luckily, since The Darkling is evil and all. A one-time tapping is all we need…

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games

Katniss does seem to drag her feet when it comes to choosing one, aye? But, you know, guys, we’re all on the same side here. Why not just do yourselves a favour and shack up together? Strength in numbers and all that jazz?  Think about it, guys. Katniss comes home from a long day hunting and bringing down the government. Gail is out back chopping wood shirtless. She gives him a kiss and takes some blocks inside on one shoulder, and her kill on the other. She gets inside and Peeta is cooking. She hands over her skinned and cleaned rabbit, kisses him too, and puts the blocks away. Everyone is smiling. President Snow’s head is hanging over the mantle place.

DONE.

Katniss Threesome

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life guys, but maybe try a different condom brand. That one’s on fire…

Twilight

Twilight

Okay, hear me out for this one. Think about how much time Edward and Jacob spend glaring at each other, kind of like they’re either constipated, or fighting the urge to kiss each other? Remember that scene in Breaking Dawn where Edward totally begs Jacob to get busy with Bella? I certainly remember thinking, at the time, that the story was about to go in an amazing direction. Alas it didn’t, but don’t you think Bella, Jacob and Edward getting up to naughty shenanigans together would have been a far better way to end the series than on the note it did? *Shudders* We could have lived in a world where Jacob never fell in love with a baby. It could have been marvellous. So, so marvellous.

Instead we got this:

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Twilight Threesomes

So happy. Especially Jacob. Everyone gets a happy ending. 

40 Responses to “When Love Triangles Should be Threesomes”

  3. Dahlia Adler

    I think the real question is, when shouldn’t love triangles be threesomes? And the answer is “Never.” Even though that’s a double negative. Because that’s how strongly I feel.

  5. holly neale

    This was a great post but I have just one issue. Book two of the grisha series brings us the amazing Sturmhond… are you against turning the Alina-Darkling-Mal love affair into a foursome?

  6. Christianna

    Bahahahaha, this post was the perfect thing for a Tuesday morning. I couldn’t stop laughing. Honestly I just couldn’t!

  7. Cathryn

    So someone already beat me to it but The Grisha series is calling out desperately for a foursome. Sturmhond is just too yummy not to throw him into the mix.

  8. smiling_ina

    OMG This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time!!! Pure genius!!! 😀

  9. Arshia

    Will, Tessa and Jem, I ship it to the end of the world and back! 😀 Though I don’t understand why every blogger I know hates on the Infernal Devices. I had a few quibbles with The Mortal Instruments myself, but apart from the fact that Tessa is Clary and Will is Jace, I loved The Infernal Devices. Witness the embarrassing flood of tears by that stomper-on-feels epilogue to Clockwork Princess WAH.

    Shadow and Bone, I hear you. This would probably be on everyone’s list, at least the list of those who’re disturbed enough to be lusting after the Darkling *coughmecough* I mean, must we choose between Darklina and Malina? No, no, we must not. Darklinamal FRVR thoughtheOTPnamesucks.

    Roar, Aria, and Perry, AHEM NO. I’m already sharing Roar with Liv, Aria and Perry will NOT mess this up for me.

    “Gail is out back chopping wood shirtless. She gives him a kiss and takes some blocks inside on one shoulder, and her kill on the other. She gets inside and Peeta is cooking. She hands over her skinned and cleaned rabbit, kisses him too, and puts the blocks away. Everyone is smiling. President Snow’s head is hanging over the mantle place.” –> THIS is why I love you in all your quirky accented glory. Overlooking the fact that you misspelled Gale’s four lettered name, of course 😛

    Also, Jess looks psycho. Seriously O.o

  10. Angie F.

    That Katniss/Peeta/Gale scene is perfect! I can totally picture it! 😀

    *shudders at Jacob/Renesme gif* No, just no…

  11. Jenn SY

    Not YA in ANY imaginable way, but a great threesome that works? Don Winslow’s SAVAGES. And in Oliver Stone’s movie adaptation, we get to see Taylor Kitsch, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and Blake Lively show us how it all works. Of course there is also terrible graphic violence, but still … hot lads walking shirtless up the beach? Okay! *signs up*

  12. Arshia

    “I don’t want to tell you how to live your life guys, but maybe try a different condom brand. That one’s on fire…” I DON’T KNOW HOW I MISSED THIS BUT I READ IT NOW AND I’M GOING EXPLODE WITH LOLS BLESS YOU. THIS LINE SHOULD GET AN AWARD OR SOMETHING :’)

  13. Kristen@My Friends Are Fiction

    HAHAHA, I am laughing so hard. Love this so very much…and I totally missed The Hunger Games fire condom! How did I miss this? Hehehe, now I will forever laugh. I think I agree most with the Grisha books. I think a time-share (even short lived) would be well worth it. And yes to the Sturmhond being added as well.

  15. Lexxie @ (un)Conventional Bookviews

    Oh, but don’t you realize that if those pesky love triangles became threesomes instead, those books couldn’t be labeled YA anymore – it’s all for the marketing.

    And I wish there was a way to do a spoiler tag in the comments, because I actually DID read the rest of the clockwork books, and you’re a lot closer to the truth than you know 😉

  16. Roro

    Susanne Collins pls rewrite I want a gale -peeta-katniss sandwich

    I want this in YA . A few books not to many

    I love your brain kat

  17. Tina

    OMG this post! You are so disturbed!! And I love it!! Massively lol esp the burning condom. And look! Jacob’s having an orgasm and they’re all having a good ‘ole time.

  19. Amanda @ Book Badger

    I can seriously see your point! Sometimes I find myself thinking it’s odd to think they should all just huddle together and get it on, but in the end, everyone’s happy, all the problems are sorted, and you’ve got yourself a little more excitement! Fantastic post Kat 😀

  20. Ann

    LOL Totally loved your post! I agree with you — there have been so many times when I would just throw my hands up and say just all get naked and we can end all the angst! hahaha

  21. Kate Copeseeley

    “Happy Ending” hahahaha

    I don’t think Bella and Jacob should have been in a threesome. I think they should have burned Edward with fire and floated off into the sunset. Since Jacob was destined to love her DAUGHTER, if she never got preggers, they wouldn’t have to worry about it.

    The only two stories where I REALLY thought a threesome would work is the Iron Fey series, because (1) Puck and the Prince were actually friends (and you could totally feel that sexual tension. Who needs Meghan?) and (2) both of the guys were beta male enough that they would have been willing to share.

    And the other series is the Trylle Trilogy by Amanda Hocking. Actually, that one could have been a foursome, if we want to get real, but in the end, (like by the second book) you realize, “Hey, she could marry that guy and be with that guy and everyone would pretty much be happy.” That one I don’t see the guys sleeping together, but it could have at least been a plural marriage. Hmm… Maybe I should read that series again. 🙂

  23. Tirta @ I Prefer Reading

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL
    I’m currently reading The Infernal Devices #1 right now but I think I haven’t read too much to get into the lovey-dovey thingy. Love the Under the Never Sky wood pic!

  24. Andye @ReadingTeen

    Have you read the Wicked Lovely series, because Melissa Marr totally pulls this off with some if her main characters. I won’t say who, in case of spoiling, but it’s a genuine threesome relationship where they are all in love w each other.

  25. Cait

    Threesomes would definitely have changed up the ultimate tragedy of any triangle. Gaaah, maybe I just don’t give triangles a good enough chance, but I’m soooo tired of them.

  28. Dominika

    That’s why Laurell K. Hamilton – Anita Blake series is so great!

  30. Stuti

    Haha! I read somewhere that in the last book of the Infernal Devices, the girl ends up with both the guys- one after the other dies. Not exactly what you proposed but…

  32. BarefootMedStudent

    This has got to be the best bookish post I’ve read in a very very long time. YES FOR YA THREESOMES. Why is there this impression that the only place for threesomes is in erotic novels?
    I really want to see someone write a YA like this. Seriously.
    Also, flaming condom – I think I just exploded.

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  38. Becky

    Read CL Stone. Ghost bird series..poly relationship soooo awesome.