Random Reads: T-Rex Troubles by Christie Sims & Alara Branwen

5 October, 2013 Random Reads 45 comments

What an orgasmic read! Thank you to Christina (Reader of Fictions) for recommending me this… interesting… book! But really, it’s more of a short story since it’s only 19 pages long. I’m not gonna lie, for $2.99 I expected something a little longer (PUN TOTALLY INTENDED).

This is the latest craze in erotic stories and I’ve seen karen reviewing them here and there. Something about Raptors and Octopuses. But T-Rexes?? How is that possible, I wondered?! Their arms are so tiny…

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How can they grasp anything? Maybe I was over thinking this. But really! Just think, it could have been any other dino that could reach… his members… but no! These authors challenged themselves. You just don’t get this level of commitment in literature anymore.

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Anyway, this book, guys. I’m not sure where to start. I mean, you have this woman who isn’t well respected as a hunter in her tribe because she just happens to be blessed with a vagina. This honestly ticked me off a bit since she was also having “relationship” with one of the douche bags and she clearly didn’t like him. He reasoning being he was the best rutter out of the lot, but he never seemed to satisfy her and their sex revolves around his desires anyway. So in order to escape the jeers of the men, she sets out to find the biggest dino she can find. Why not, right? Sounds legit!

So there she is just walking around, minding her own business. Nothing to see here expect for a maiden going for a cool swim. But suddenly, a horny T-Rex spots her!

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I don’t know where she got that outfit.

Layla’s not exactly dumb because she knows she better haul ass. But unfortunately for her, she runs into the dino that can read minds and does mind control. GAH, I swear, 99 problems! At this point, I was feeling pretty sorry for the girl. She’s got to deal with sexism in her tribe and then she runs into a Fifty Shades of Fucked-Up Dino who’s experienced in the ways of making a women have ultimate pleasure in exchange for her life. Don’t try to wrap your mind around that. It’ll explode, I assure you.

So Layla’s laid out (HAHAHA. PUNS OMG) on the grass giving herself the business while the dino watches on with glee, making her do various things with his nifty mind control. This, of course, turns him on and his mystical peen appears out of nowhere.

And from between its legs grew a staff, towering and thick, tan in color and throbbing with veins: a prick.  

A dino prick! Thick as a small sapling trunk, throbbing and swollen, growing still as I watched in horrified fascination.

And that’s when I went, “What the fuck am I reading?” So naturally, I continued because the T-Rex dude isn’t finished with Layla. Not to mention, I was finally at THE PART. I just had to find out just how this dino sex thing was going to work!

Obviously, Layla is a human and way too small for the usual kind of action. It’d be like fitting something the size of a watermelon through a grape, and that’s far, far from sexy. Probably leaning towards horrifying. But this is dino erotica! You must use your imagination!

All T-Sexy wants is a little rub, rub!

A monster’s cock, throbbing and leaking from its giant, swollen tip. “Mount me,” said the beast. “Please me as you can, for watching you pleasure yourself has made me eager for more.”

OMG! Talk dirty to us T-Sexy! My body will never be ready!

But Layla’s was! Again! So she starts rubbing and then, eventually, grinding.

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Then there some sort of riding was done, that probably closely resembled riding a mechanical bull, I guess? Giddy up?

And she’s all, “Ohhhhh, T-Sexy!”
And he’s all:

“Yes, Layla,” said the oddly human voice. “Yes, make your dino master cum!”

!!!

What the actual… And then I’m all, “SOMEBODY SEDATE ME!”

**INSERT A MOUNTAIN OF DINO JIZZ HERE**

Layla’s happy and T-Sexy’s happy. In fact, Layla has never experienced that sort of pleasure before and it only took a dino for her to realize it. Huzza! Who needs men, amirite? But the thing that got me was that T-Sexy went all Drake on Layla, telling her she’s the best he ever had out of all the other girls (WHAAAAT??). So even though, she’s free to go back to her sexist clan of douche canoes, she takes T-Sexy’s offer to stay with him. Because, why not, yeah?

Mediocre sex with assholes or incredible rough sex with T-Sexy?

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No contest!!

You should all go add this to your TBR list. I bet it’s going to be a genre changer for erotica! I suspect a Jurassic Park reboot coming to an X-rated theater near you!

/sarcasm

 

And since I’m the best co-blogger ever, I’ve sent this lovely to Kat for her next Cuddlebuggery Reading Time. You’re welcome, readers!

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45 Responses to “Random Reads: T-Rex Troubles by Christie Sims & Alara Branwen”

  2. A Voracious Reader

    Holy shit! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile! The Bad Girls & I were were just talking about these new dino porn books the other day. LMAO

  4. Sallie M

    Ok, this review was spectacular. I would also like to point out that when you click the Amazon link, it shows this book among other children’s books… and then, you have the reviews for each of the books in her dino series. The reviews are spot on and informative. I highly enjoyed this adventure, and look forward to the next installment!

  5. Tiffany H. (@a_tiffyfit)

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I’m DYING over here. I have been seeing these books everywhere lately on FB and have been laughing but your review has me in stitches! OMG> hahahaha

  7. Kate Copeseeley

    OMG, I’m so freaking excited to see Kat’s face when she’s reading this. Honestly, how will she be able to keep from cracking up over those descriptions???

    Excellent review, Steph. 😉

  8. Neyra

    You just turned twelve today, Steph xD

    I saw this on my goodreads feed, but not as much as everyone else. This is……. disturbing in many ways. O.O

  11. Cassi Haggard

    OH MY GOODNESS. I can’t even.

    Thanks for taking one for the team Steph! Honestly I’d feel a little ripped off spending that much on 19 pages.

  12. MJ

    Anytime I see this book I just start giggling. I might actually have to fork over the two bucks and read it even though the logical part of my brain keeps thinking of all the logic issues involved here. And it’s only nineteen pages? That’s short. It’s probably a good thing though, I think Layla and the T-Rex probably would’ve had issues if he would’ve gotten hungry.

    • Steph Sinclair

      I can’t see it going on for much more. What else could possibly happen? Oh, god. I don’t even want to know. But the price is pretty steep for only 19 pages.

  15. Rashika

    I shall remain forever scarred… I still cannot me wrap my head around the idea… I wonder what will come next 😛 Unanimate objects??? 😛

  16. Charlotte

    Good god, is this book even for real? Is this review not a product of my hallucinations? I swear my respect for Mr. T Rex–who I loved ever since I laid my eyes on him on Jurassic Park– has just gone dowb the drain. I will never look at T-Rexes the same way again.

    And oh look, this author Christie has a fetish for Dinos I think. Just checked Amazon and all her books are Dino Eroticas. Raptors, Pterodactyls, Triceratops, Velociraptors. No. No. No. I need to take a break from watching dino movies and reading eroticas.

    • Kris

      Not all of her books are dino erotica…. She has centaur and were-animal erotica books too

  17. Lauren's Loquacious Literature

    Can I just say that more concerning to me than the fact that Jurassic Park sex is now apparently a thing is that it took you THAT long to wonder what the fuck you were reading.

    Atleast now when I have a nightmare about T Rex and the various Raptor colonies trying to kill me I can taunt them for being unable to touch their peni. It will CLEARLY only lead to good places.

  19. Christina (A Reader of Fictions)

    We truly are the best of friends.

    I have no regrets about how hilarious this is. Plus, you got it done SO QUICKLY, which is apparently about how much time a t-rex takes to shoot his massive wad from a lady sliding on his t-rex tree trunk sized penis. If I understood that correctly, which, honestly, I may not have.

    You are welcome.

  22. Rebecca Castiel

    I read about these books on Cracked.com and I wanted to do some research on them to see just how many other people read them exactly, omg omg omg I’m dying xD this blog just made my day hahaha