Kat Kennedy’s Autobiography

11 July, 2012 Musing Musers 136 comments

It seems there’s been a grievous oversight on my part.  I did not realize that fans were so incredibly eager for my personal biography that they would have to desperately attempt to dig up and post information about me to assuage their incessant hunger for more of my beauteous self.

Look, I know I’m fabulous and lovable and adored by all.  I understand the need to get as much of me as you can. But it is important that you know me.  The real me. Well, I’m ready to open up and provide some much needed details.  And for the sake of accuracy, and to put some dear hearts out of their misery, I also need to provide some corrections to the misinformation people have posted in an attempt to over-saturate themselves in my awesomeness.

My name:

Yes.  My name is absolutely Kat Kennedy and that is not at all a pseudonym that I created for the express purpose of creating a reviewing identity.  My parents were John F. Kennedy’s Ghost and Captain Red-hand Katerina Kennedy  (her maiden name was Kennedy too but I have been assured that my parents weren’t entirely blood related.  Or pirates – but I’m not sure they’re being completely honest about the pirate thing).

My Photo:

The photo listed on my profile is not actually my photo.  I’m sorry.  It’s a lie.  That’s just a random photo I found on the net because I was ashamed of my heritage.  I didn’t want people to suspect what I’ve secretly believed.  But it’s time to come clean. This is my real photo:

You can see why I suspect I’m at least part pirate.

I’m sorry to have deceived you on this point, my audience.  But the truth would only come out eventually.

I drink often:

This is a gross misconception.  I don’t drink often – and to suggest it is a downright lie.  I am always drunk.  But only for medical reasons. Due, to what I suspect is my pirate heritage, I am allergic to anything that is not alcoholic.  This means that anything I eat must be soaked in alcohol, infused in alcohol or dipped in an alcoholic sauce in order to cancel out any kind of allergic reaction.  All my drinks must be alcoholic as well since plain water sends me into anaphylactic shock.

I neglect my children:

Categorically not true.  I take great care of my children.  They are the most important part of my life.

Of course, I am a busy, independent woman with a passion for blogging which does take up a small fraction of my day (average 16 hours).

However, like all concerned mothers, I have ensured the best environment to nurture my children as they grow and develop physically, mentally and spiritually.

This is why I spent an inordinate amount of money on the all purpose, child-rearing human-containment unit:

Image from Voont

This cage is state of the art and I highly recommend it for all blogger parents.  My version has an excellent water feeder, a comfy base and I allow them one toy for the sixteen wonderful hours they get to spend in there every day while Mamma has her internet time.  I let them use my World’s Greatest Mum mug to run across the bars as part of their strict musical lessons, their free time and whenever I don’t need it to consume ale.  The bars are the perfect width apart to stick my fingers through in order to comfort them the few times they are distressed.  Which almost never happens now.

The mug looks like this. Well… it’s more of a goblet. The kids get to play with it once Mamma finishes her morning tipple!

Authors do not like me:

Not true.  I have many, many author friends.  Authors and I get along like a house on fire that is screaming out in pain.  We love spending long hours together.  Many authors have come to me to weep silently on my shoulder after I review their books and at least 30% of the authors I interact with have never tried to kill me.  But why believe me when you can read for yourself?  What some of my author friends have to say about me:

I attack Authors:

Also not true.  I am nothing if not completely professional and kind to authors.  I would never threaten, insult or inappropriately proposition an author.

I’m so flattered that people want to spread their love of me with the world – and because of them, I WILL keep doing what I’m doing.  Not just for me.  Not just for the authors. Not just for the readers.  But for those who believe in a free internet.  An internet where you can give your opinion and tell everyone else to shove it.  An internet where a little girl, born and raised on the crumbled remains of Tortuga could grow and flourish and live out her dream.  An internet where someone can be a drunken, negligent half-pirate, half-ghostpolitician wench (not me) and still make something of herself.

Keep winning, internet.

136 Responses to “Kat Kennedy’s Autobiography”

  1. Fangs for the Fantasy

    I just cannot believe that site – the lengths they’ve gone to and how grossly out of line they are. It’s actually offensive for them to post those anti-bullying links in their side bar while having this site encourgaing people to stalk and harrass people – including people’s real names, home cities and even their schedule – seriously, saying that someone can be found in a bar at X time? That’s repellent.

    I knew these authors who were losing their shit over criticism were pretty extreme – but I never realise they’d sink to this level

    And I applaud your reaction – it takes a lot of self-control to deal with people who pull crap like this

  4. Lisa (Fic Talk)

    Gawd, you look an awful lot like Keira Knightley, Kat. 😉

    Your parents must be GORGEOUS!

    LOVE. THIS. POST.

    That is all. :D:D:D:D

  7. Luan Pitsch

    Now that I’ve read this I see we have a lot in common.

  8. Lexxie

    Now that so many people have written that you smell, I’m not sure I’ll be stopping by at Cuddlebuggery anymore 🙁 that’s just the worst thing ever!

    *hugs*

  9. Cyna

    Holy fucking shit, I can’t believe they actually did that. I’m sorry to everyone who got profiled there, and I seriously hope there’s something you guys can do, legally :/

    But A+ for taking it like a champ.

  10. jennifer

    Kat, I mean Kiera Knightly… anytime you feel like getting sloppy drunk, locking kids in cages, harassing authors and surfing the web for hours on end, don’t hesitate to call me!

    But seriously, I’m glad that you are a big enough person that you can make light of the situation and not let it get you down.

  12. angela rae

    I don’t believe you are a pirate, I believe you are a robot, perhaps the mother robot, and that’s why Bender, like you, is fuelled by alcohol.

    Great post Kat! Keep up the good work.

  14. Mireya

    Wow, a shrine to the GR people they hate… that’s AWESOME.

  17. Mireya

    Sadly, I just read that that book that got Lucy in the shrine, has now been picked by Simon & Schuster (Atria line). Asshats continue to be rewarded. *sigh*

  18. Parajunkee

    That mascara is still making my eyes water, damn that whiskey laced stuff! I’m just now getting around to commenting because I can’t see.

    >> I think this is the best way you could have handled this. Humor always does wonders and these people are actually getting off on freaking out their “targets.” Anti-Bullying what a load of hypocrisy! If you ask me, they are a few beers short of a six pack and unfortunately small brained, crazy people tend to latch on the hardest, so it actually gives me the creeps, how they are going about their tactics. I’m sure the site will get shut down soon though…most of what they are doing is illegal.

  19. Josin

    Nay, not pirate. I knew your parents. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries, but they were absolutely not pirates. ‘Twas a dream not meant to be, and they bankrupted themselves trying to reach their swashbuckling stars. If only they’d had a child-restrainment cage in which to keep you, perhaps they would have had more time to devote to plundering.

    In other words… well done, dear lady. Well done. 🙂

  24. Spaz

    THANK YOU for clearing this up for us! (and thank you for not linking to that ugly site, too.)

  26. Georgette

    You are super talented, lady. Not only do you have time to pen this great blog, you also happen to be a pirate. Multi-talented indeed. 🙂
    Super blog, as usual.

  29. Kaethe

    Brava! And since I’m anosmic, I’m unruffled by the statements that you smell. Also, as my daughters enter their teens still growing, I can no longer fit both of them in one big-dog crate. Can you offer containment suggestions?

  34. JBH

    … And people wonder why I am a misanthrope.

    I particularly like their hypocritical misogyny. Obviously what is missing from a woman’s life is her husband bullying her. :headdesk:

    Good post Kat. Keep them coming!

  36. Laura Hunsaker

    I’ve always had sort of a girl crush on you, Kat, and Kiera Knightly is the only chick in Hollywood I’ve ever thought naughty thoughts over…coincidence? I think not!

  38. Amber J.

    I had no idea the blog I subscribe to is helmed by “the fearless leader of a special jihad against misbehaving authors”. All this time I had no clue – Cuddlebuggery has such a cute connotation to it. What will I tell the children? LOL

    Kat, whatever the literary equivalent of a rockstar is, you and Steph are that lol 🙂

  39. Carl

    Thank you for the informative post. I will take the implication that you possibly smell under advisement.

  40. Lisa

    Touché. What do you want to bet that this will all be added to that blog as evidence? She has failed to understand your humor thus far. She’ll probably think she’s hit the goldmine on this one. 😉

  42. Desiree

    Kat, this was the absolute best way to respond to the haters! I read their post and it made me crack up but then I read your post and it made me piss myself (almost)! I was hoping all the rumors were true!!!

  46. Kenya Wright

    Thank you KAT. My Birthday is this Saturday and personally after reading this post, I believe you’ve given me a great birthday present… the gift of crapping-in-your-pants-laughter!

    Although FU for making me crap in my pants!

    This post is so awesome for so many reasons.

    Additionally, I’d never heard of the group Stop The GR Bullies. It truly amazes me how much time people have in their lives. I do think its cool that they did the site because there can be some bullying of authors at times. I just havn’t seen the bullying. . . but I’m sure there is an author out there that’s gotton slapped with a reader’s penis or pissed on… so its good to have support groups out there for that type of stuff…

    BUT

    That post that they did of yours was ridiculous.

    I get bad reviews all the time… I just write better books not spend my writing time researching a reviewer. lol!

  47. Christina (A Reader of Fictions)

    Oh, Kat. You are the best. Basically, the haters just made your awesomeness more well known. I mean, I totes never knew you were a pirate, and now I just admire you MORE.

    Has anyone ever told you that you bear a stunning resemblance to Natalie Portman?

  50. usagi

    Bless this post.

    (Whoops, that almost came out as Pless this bost. Better cut down on the drinking, myself.)

  51. Annika

    AWESOME response! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that site..I can’t believe these people. It’s beyond words really.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Annika: but not beyond a fun new drinking game! We take shots for every factual inaccuracy they make. Lucy’s page almost killed me.

  52. Kaede

    Hey, when someone talks shit about you, the only thing you can do is talk shit back. You rock Kat. 😀

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Kaede: my parents always told me I talked shit. Never thought it would come in handy.

  54. Ben Hennessy

    On reflection, the site has a point. As an author, I am horrified that you kindly hosted me for an interview on this very site a few days ago, directing traffic towards my debut novel and introducing me to a new audience who wouldn’t have otherwise heard of me.

    You bitch.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Abigail [All Things Urban Fantasy]: I shoukdn’t be telling you this – but that was my plan all along. To ensnare you. Now that I have you, my plans for world domination are almost complete. Thank you for your support.

  56. willaful

    You’ve inspired me to write a book solely so I can be one of the authors harassing you on twitter! It looks like so much fun.

  58. Cassi Haggard

    Kat have I told you lately that I love you? Also if you ever get lost in your pirating adventures and end up in the great land of Kentucky I’ll buy you a drink. Or we can go get free samples at all the bourbon distilleries….more than once.

  59. Ames

    I love your response! I cannot believe those people would create a website like that and than post you and your friends’ information (and that they are still trying to dig up more), which is beyond creepy.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Ames: I only responded to this as I do with most things: drunken bravado.

  60. Jennifer Armintrout

    How on earth are you supposed to not smell? You drink all the time! And you’re at least part pirate!

    No, but seriously, there are a lot of really sick people in the world.

  61. CdnMrs

    An awesome response! Sorry you’re the victim of such clear douchebaggery.

  62. Sarah (saz101)

    I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU WERE A PIRATE.
    At first, it was the overpowering stench of rum when I met you… and then I started wondering about the parrot and eyepatch.

    I knew it! IKNEWITIKNEWITIKNEWIT! *does the I LOVE BEING RIGHT dance*

    Also, I like your child minding device, and it appears it would be way more effective than the iron maiden I was previously considering… *bookmarks*

    Thank you for this incredibly educational post! ^__^

  63. Kate C.

    Well, speaking for all indie authors—I feel comfortable doing that now, as so many others seem to have no problem with it—I’m outraged at your unfair treatment of us! How dare you review us just as fairly as traditionally published authors! I’m also appalled at your new “indie spotlight” which gives publicity to many other indies. You should be ashamed of yourself!

    Also, you need to get a cover for your baby cage, like I did, so you never have to see their faces. It makes the drinking more fun.

  65. Judith Oyama

    THIS is why I’m a fan! Keep being you, Kat, unless that involves actually leaving those kids in cages, then you’re going to have to change ASAP. KIDDING. Ok, maybe just a little 😛

  66. Yael Itamar

    Does that cage come with a chamberpot? Because if so, I think I found the perfect anniversary present for my brother and sister-in-law.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Yael Itamar: it does and please remember to take a photo of the kids happily playing in their new favourite toy!

  67. kara-karina

    Absolutely fabulous! AAAAARRRR, me lovely! Here is to drunken pirate blogger girl who is full of awesome! 🙂 *drinks a tankard of rum*

  68. maia

    seems to me like that site is just full of bullies- especially the comments discussing spanking your friend…ew. im 16 from Australia by the way, and my life dream is to be a word class aussie pirate (kill the things before they kill you, i say!)

  69. Annabelle

    Awesome post, like always. I don’t know what some people’s problems are. It never fails to amaze me what hypocrites some people are, although it probably shouldn’t at this point. It feel so embarrassed for them! That site amazes me with its stupidity. You do an excellent job reviewing, and any smart blogger or book lover can see that!

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Annabelle: thank you so much, Annabelle. Also, you have my favourite name in the world. Coincidence? I think not…

  72. Brian

    I came, I read, I wet my pants from laughing too hard.

    Damn you Kat Kennedy, you now owe me for dry-cleaning!! 😉

    Love it!!

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Brian: I apologize, Brian! We really need to put pants wetting up as a possible side effect of reading Cuddlebuggery.

  73. Stacia Kane

    Hey! I keep my literary agent in a cage like that! It keeps him from doing things like spending a few minutes online or having a life when he should be focusing on MeMeMeMe. Because everybody knows writing a single blog post takes up entire days of an agent’s time (they’re not very clever or good with words, the poor dears).

    I tell him if he has time to beg for rescue he has time to WORK, buddy.

    Those cages are fantastic multi-taskers.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Stacia Kane: I love your style. Do you have a Motivational jabbing stick as well? I call mine Mr. Jabby. Thank you, Stacia. You are completely awesome.

  74. Holly

    Kat, you are a mother after my own heart! (Maybe this is why I don’t actually have any kids …) 😉

    Seriously, if I get my novel published, you can write any kind of review you want — and I’ll STILL read this blog, because you’re entitled to your own opinion, and I’ve laughed at your snark even when I liked a book far better than you did. And I’ve written my own share of snarky reviews … Don’t let those jerks intimidate you.

    • Kat Kennedy

      @Holly: thank you so much, Holly. Let us know when your novel gets published.

  75. April Books & Wine

    Living the dream, yo. Drunk all the time, children taken care of — although I find the chokey from Matilda to be more ideal and looking like Kiera Knightley. I die of jealousy.

  76. Mari - Escape In A Book

    Well done, Kat! I was just smiling all the way through this fabulous post 🙂 Kudos to you for writing such an amazing post as a response to people with cruel intentions. I have to admit that all this fuss that have been lately kind of scares me as a fellow book blogger, but like you say we cannot let these people win.

    All hands on deck(and bring us a few bottles of Rum)! Yeah, I probably need to study proper pirate slang..

  77. Jay Jason

    I’m trying to decide which was more hilarious: That article about you, or your response.

    It’s hard to believe that some people would devote all that time just to publish that about you. Some people have way too much time on their hands. Anyways, great response!

  79. Zarah

    Oh. My. World.
    Best autobiography ever. Really. I have never laughed so hard at another. You’re pretty much my idol now – so beware!! 😉

  80. j. meyers

    Now see, if they’d only put up THIS kind of information about you then I TOTALLY would have believed it and they would have appeared to be literary HEROES for rescuing the rest of us from your evil intentions to destroy authors EVERYWHERE. (Because I know that’s what you’ve set out to do now.)

    Unfortunately, from what they posted about you, I just thought they were a bunch of @$$&*!%s.

    (You, it appears, totally rock. Good on you!)

  81. Kristin

    Outstanding!! You, Wendy Darling and Holy Terror are my heroes! Cheers! *clink*

    (un-flippin’ believable people…)

  83. bbbgtoby

    Dear Kat Kennedy. I cannot post this on your GR profile because that would require the effort of adding you as a friend first but I wanted to tell you that you are now one of my Top 5 favourite Australians (and that doesn’t require processors to be rebooted every 3 minutes to clarify either.) I may have never read a single one of your reviews because I simply do not care about YA fiction but I’m pretty sure that you were correct 98% of the time. You’re also clearly able to drive people to hysterics in more ways than one, I hope your talent does not go to waste.

  84. Brent Butler

    Very difficult to believe that they were all up in arms to defend Mathias. ROFLMAO

  86. Jake P.

    Johnny Be Good is:

    Calvin M. Martindale

    2248 Roosevelt Wilson Lane
    Rialto, CA 92376

    Mother’s Maiden name:
    Hofmann

    Birthday:
    July 24, 1952 (60 years old)

    CVC2
    276

    Occupation:
    Claims investigator

    Company:
    Megatronic

    Vehicle:
    2012 Lancia Thema

    Blood type:
    A+

    Weight:
    142.6 pounds (64.8 kilograms)

    Height:
    6′ 0″ (184 centimeters)

    Geo coordinates:
    34.138533, -117.364682

    Hey, if he did it to you…

    ((Just kidding, none of this is true. I got it from an “identity generator” site))

  89. Jaime Lester

    I shall strive to be more like The Kat Kennedy, half pirate gin Queen. I have let this whole war between authors and reviewers keep me from reviewing and starting a blog, like I would love to do. I have way too soft of a heart for my own dang good, and I am not sure how I would react if I had to deal with the shite you and the other gals have had to deal with. After your intensely funny, have to go change my britches post, and all of the wonderful support you have received, I think I may suck it up and go for it anyway. If I get crapped on by these people, can I come to you for a shot o gin and the cup to cry on?

  92. Chel

    You, Cuddlebuggery bloggers, are so full of awesome!! I want to be like you guys when I grow up. ;P

  93. BR Kingsolver

    Ok. I don’t write in your genres, so I won’t have the pleasure of having you review one of my novels, but I will follow you on twitter. I can use more humor in my life. 😉 Don’t let the ***holes get you down. If they spent as much time improving their writing and promoting their books as they spend blaming other people for their failures, they’d be better off.

  94. Joie @ Joie de Lire

    This. Is. Brilliant! This is the best, and funniest, posts I’ve read in quite a while!
    Also, it’s quite possible that I will need to go out and buy one of those state of the art human containment unit when I become a mother… they’re not too expensive are they? 😉

  97. Shelley S

    Holy fucking shit!!  One of THE funniest things I’ve ever read.  You go girl!!!!!!  Keep on, keepin’ on!!  What goes around, comes around!  More power to you!  Ok, I’m done with the cliches. 
     
    Really, I am so sorry for your troubles but you’ve got lots of supporters obviously.  Thanks for standing up for what’s right.

  101. Nosh

    WELL SAID! I mean great, seriously. Cheers!!! It’s the funniest, posts I’ve read in quite a while.