TV Recap: Shadowhunters Episode 3

So here we are with Episode 3 of Shadowhunters with all the delicious delightfulness it promises. I may be technically sober, but I’m tired and exhausted enough to give next-to-no shits so let’s get on with it.

This episode opens with a bang, the crew minus one kidnapped Simon (oh noes!) stalk into the Abbey wearing a plethora of black. Isabelle is looking out of this world, thanks for asking. Clary is asking basic questions of Isabelle and I am not okay with the tone of voice she’s using on my future bride.

Then we skip to Simon yelling and freaking out which, okay, there’s vampires so that’s a thing that would also cause me to yell and freak out. And I’m not sure but I think Simon just got munched on which makes me uber sad. But since it was kind of his fault that he got kidnapped, I’m thinking about sharing the pity party around to multiple interested parties.

CUT BACK TO CLARY BEING THE BOSS. So it turns out that Alec, Jace and Isabelle knew who the vampires were all along and exactly where they were hiding. When Clary rightly and actually intelligently asks what the ever-loving-fuck they were just all sitting around for, they respond that they need the Clave (Shadowhunter bosses) approval before going there. And, talk about inappropriate but Jace, Alec and Isabelle are all having a joke about Isabelle having a “thing” for Seelies which is highly inappropriate because JESUS PEOPLE, SIMON IS BEING MUNCHED ON AS WE SPEAK! (Also: hdu)

Also, Alec just gave Jace a bedroom smoulder and literally nobody is saying anything about that. Like, hello? Am I the only one seeing this? Please someone tell me that at some point, Alec pulls Jace across the table in the middle of the control room and smooches him? I would be totally down for that.

The face that says I love you but I’m going to kill you, Jace. 

ANYWAY, Jace is all like, “They kidnapped a Mundie. Let’s do this.”

And Alec is too in love with Jace to say no (Someone tell me I’m not making this up. Please.) Isabelle goes along because she is perfect and faultless and Clary is there being Clary.

Jace has a plan. He’s a man with a plan.

We cut back to Simon because I needed to know how my baby was doing and he’s alive. Cracking jokes and hanging around with munchie vampire dude (apparently his name is Raphael according to my closed captions). Anyway, he’s just chatting to old Raphy there when he grabs an antique knife out of a cabinet and propels it into Raphael’s chest. Which does exactly nothing to Raphael but it was a GREAT throw, dude. Great throw. Anyway, a very impressive-looking vampire just showed up wearing a devastatingly gorgeous dress, and Simon doesn’t look that horrified to see her. Seriously, boy is a hound dog. He’s getting more business done than anyone else in the entire show.

And that brings us to the opening credits. Hera help me, I’m not sure I can make it through this episode.

Okay, so we start off with a little friendly grave-robbing by our superhero crew. Alec is just in a perpetually shitty mood but I guess I would be too if the love of my life were that self absorbed and insisted on such a weird haircut. Clary and Jace have a heart to heart. Then Alec calls him over and is like, “Dude… stop thinking with your junior Jace, alright?” And of course, Jace isn’t listening to wisdom so Alec kind of has enough of his shit and takes off leaving Jace to immediately start feeling up Clary the second he is out of eyesight. Like, seriously, he’s putting some intensive moves on Clary and she is falling for it hook, line and sinker. And he actually says at one point, “Pulsing through your body”. Just in case you didn’t have a proper mind map of this scene.

I don’t know what she’s supposed to be learning but it’s something. 

I want to pause for a moment as Jace describes what it’s like being Parabatai with Alec:

“There’s no human bond that compares to what Alec and I have. We’re bound together for life. Bound to fight together, to protect each other. In battle, our hearts beat as one. If one of us were to die, a part of the either would die as well.”

And with that… a THOUSAND fanfics were born in my head. I ship it, oh yes I do.

So we leave that scene and cut back to Simon being frankly ADORABLE as he freaks out at the vampires. They talk about their evil plans and be generally devious.

Then…OMG ISABELLE’S DRESS.

She – um… kisses some guy. I dunno. Shit. Jeez. Okay. Never mind. Let’s just keep going. The last five minutes are lost on me.

Gods. What even just happened?

Why? Why would someone do this too me? Can’t they tell I’m infatuated enough?!

Okay, Alec sneaks into the institute to take a bow and some arrows.

Then we cut to Clary and Jace walking into a biker bar. They do some more Shadowhunter stuff like trying to look through glamors etc. Then Jace sends Clary to flirt with a guy who seriously gives me the creeps. Like, way to show a girl you care, Jace.  The whole scene is kind of gross, I had to skip it.

We dive right into Simon making out with the vampire boss as he admits to her, under compulsion, that Clary doesn’t know where the cup is. Vampire boss whose name I think is Camille mentions Magnus Bane to a foggy Simon.

Then we cut back to a scene I can’t even describe. Isabelle. Some Seelie dude. A tangle of bodies. Excuse me. I’ll be in the corner.

Skipping away from all that, we go to Alec talking to that Shadowhunter dude from Eps 2 who was a former Valentine groupie. Dude, whose name escapes me, reminds Alec not to be such a bloody follower and all. Stand up for yourself, Alec. Jeez.

Then we jump over to Clary who is frankly doing an unsettling level of flirting with gross vampire dude before they steal his bike. Then they zoom off through the sky together on what I’m pretty sure is the lamest sex metaphor I’ve ever seen.

Simon is making out with Camille on the couch when Alec and Izzy show up at the Vamps place. Now, if one more person, including her brother Alec, makes a joke about Izzy’s attitude about her sexuality and body, I am going to throw down. That woman is a goddamn princess and I will not take the constant stream of jibes about her her!

Back to Simon and Camille making out when Camille stops and senses Shadowhunters afoot! Jace burns runes into Clary which just seems vaguely rude but it seems like he’s trying to protect her, unlike that time he threw her into the path of a vampire just so he could steal his bike. So… yeah.

They have a long involved way of explaining encanto which boils down to this. Vampire powers=bitey magic being that will make you all high and happy with their fangs. Couldn’t they have explained it like that?

Then Jace and Clary have this super tender moment where she realises that he’s never been in love…

Basically this is me for the rest of the episode:

Because:

1. This is cheese supreme. Delicious, delicious cheese. and
2. Isabelle is so perfect it hurts.

Anyway, Isabelle and Alec provide a distraction as Clary and Jace sneak in. Vampire dude from the bar turns up and attacks Clary while other vampires hold Jace down. It’s all looking quite nasty for our heroes. When Clary kicks him in the balls. I think that’s the smartest thing she’s ever done.

Alec and Isabelle show up and they’re all together again.

Raphael convinces Camille to run for her life when the team shows up. Raphael, let’s them all go and they escape pretty much unscathed. Anticlimactic much?

Anyway, Clary and Simon hug it out and Clary’s all like, “I could live without you.” Then gives this massive speech about how she’s lost everything else and she can’t lose her best friend too.

Alec and Jace have a big fight where Jace just does. not. get. it. Leaving Alec no choice but to walk away. Walk away tall, Alec. You may be a shit to Clary, which I’m not 100% alright with – but you’re right. So stand tall in that knowledge.

Oh gawds. Am I getting sucked into this show?!