Dear Debby is Cuddlebuggery’s weekly advice column for Fictional, Young Adult characters to get some life or romance advice. Debby is a caring, nurturing soul giving down to earth, wise words of wisdom to those in need. To email Dear Debby about your fictional troubles and literary characters, please email email@example.com.
I hear you might possibly be able to help me with my little… situation. You see, I’m involved with this guy. He’s amazingly good-looking, rich and a complete gentleman. When I first saw him my panties obeisantly dropped to the floor as if they knew my true desires before I even did. But then there’s his other side that has… rougher tendencies which he likes to act out on me. I’ll be honest and admit that when he showed me the contract, I was intrigued. Yeah, I know I was a virgin and had never even been awakened down there yet, but he made it sound so fun! Debby you should have seen his face when he found that little tidbit out!
Then he introduced me to his Red Room of Pain and I nearly had a heart attack. I mean, holy fuck! The sex was amazing, but when he just decided to beat me when we were out and about just for his sick pleasure, I hated it. Several times I tried to leave him, but he always managed to change my mind after apologizing and the most mind blowing sex ever. The scariest part is that I think I’m in love with this sadistic bastard. Hitting me makes him feel good. He needs to hit me, but I hate it because if he says he loves me, why would he want to see me in pain? Why, Debby? Shit, I don’t want to lose him. What do I do?
Dear Tied Up,
There is nothing wrong with experimentation in the bedroom, bathroom or a red room of pain, as long as both partners are willing. But it seems to me that there is a great inequality in this relationship that resembles a cycle of abuse. Hurting you, hurting you more, you go to leave, make up and then it all begins again. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all and it’s hard, to take away from your letter, what you truly see in this man. The only positive things you have to say about him is that he’s rich, good looking and great in bed. Your assertion that he is a complete gentleman can’t be all that accurate if he is hitting you in a way that you don’t find enjoyable. Consider this: You were a virgin until you met him. In fact, you mention that you had never been sexually awakened. Perhaps your intense reaction to him is less about him and more about yourself? What attracts many people to a BDSM lifestyle is power and control – or the loss of it. He needs the power and control, obviously. Do you need the loss of it? It sounds like you have never had control of yourself sexually. But as a person? As a woman? I don’t think you want to lose control except when having sex because you have no confidence in sex.
All this is, in the end, a stranger’s opinion. But my suggestion would be to ditch your boy and procure a good quality vibrator. It will do the job and it never hits. Hopefully by the time the next boyfriend comes around, you’ll be confident enough to share control of the bedroom.