Meg posted last week about considering the words we use. It’s a post that Steph, Meg and I feel strongly about. That’s not to say people should or must listen to us, merely that we’ve made a personal choice about the vocabulary we use on this blog. And we also feel strongly that there should still be a lot of swear words on the blog, because swearing is an art form. If you don’t like swearing then you should probably back out of this post right now, because I’m about to style guide the hell out of swearing for all those who want help in steering away from ableist, sexist or homophobic slurs. You’d be surprised how many you’re unconsciously using.
Before I start — an ode to swearing. My mother has spent many years teaching me to be the kind of gentle, kind, forgiving, decorous soul that she is. Obviously, she has failed miserably. Amongst her pleas to temper my swearing was an appeal to my vain side. Swearing is lazy, you should be more creative. Swearing isn’t ladylike. Swearing is corse.
Well, I’m about to show you that swearing doesn’t have to be lazy. Swearing can be a delightful, mental gymnastics that helps your creativity flow with pure venom. The kind any well-bred lady or gentleman can indulge in as long as good breeding means being able to insult people with style and ease.
When someone needs to be called something unspeakable
I like to use this instead of “moron,” “idiot,” “dumbfuck,” and other variations. When you think about it, are they really being any of those things? Or are they being “arrogant,” “rude,” “hostile,” “thoughtless,” “inconsiderate,” “ignorant” or any other behaviour that hurts others? If that’s the real behaviour they’re showing, then that’s what they need to be brought up on.
donkey desecrater (Really feel free to work with the animal theme here. Bison muncher? North American Monarch Butterfly licker? Get creative.)
You thoughtless, generic-fucking-sheeple-wannabe
Snitchy, crotch-sucking naval-gazer
Arrogant ass-sniffing dick waddler
Arrogant good-for-nothing piece of walking pustule
You ignorant nay-saying, flat-Earth-Believing pigsticker
Thoughtless piece of duckloving beastmaster
When someone has done something fucked up
When things go wrong, there’s a tendency to say things like “son of a bitch” or “motherfucker.” This is my biggest screw up and where I’m most likely to use slurs that I really shouldn’t. So I’ve been trying to memorise some alternatives.
This is a fuckfest of epic proportions
What a Reprehensible fuckupathon
A damnation of shittery
Fucktercation of fuckheads fucking up
A Pisshead Summit for ass dickery
When someone is acting like a jerk
This is when you want to use slurs like “whiny, little bitch” or “cunt” or “motherfucker” or any of those other really generderised slurs that legitimately can be easily replaced.
You gherkin jerkin’ pissy sheepfucker.
Unthinking, heartless piece of talking shit
Poor excuse for a shitstain.
I was really nervous to write this post because, you know, people get all disapproving about swearing and maybe I used wrong words somewhere. Then, on the other hand, I was like:
Haha! Jokes. No, really, check out my ass because it’s hot. But I also wanted to show that at least, in some ways, you can swear without thoughtlessly targeting problematic slurs. And I couldn’t do that unless I swore a lot and was all corse and shit just like my mamma didn’t raise me to be but I totally am. Sooooo… everyone wins? Except, maybe, the person you’re calling a Hammerface Jerkinstein. They lose. Definitely lose.