5 Products they need to make for Book Bloggers
Sometimes things are invented with such a limited use and small fanbase, that you wonder how even one person could conceive and invest in it, let alone several. These crazy things somehow exist out there, but I could easily think of five products that bloggers desperately need right now. Why haven’t they been invented? Why hasn’t some enterprising entrepreneur begun mass marketing a new invention to make book blogger’s lives useful? Other than that ereader thing they did! Since they seem to be dragging their feet, probably too busy trying to recycle that whole inflatable doll thing that is CLEARLY not going to sell. I mean, what practical use could anyone have for an inflatable doll?
1. Brain Bleach
Tagline: Read a terrible book? One that hurt your brain and just won’t go away? Turn to your trusty brain bleach and clean those memories away!
So you’ve read a book and it’s more than bad. Bad would have been an upgrade. It is so bad that it taints every memory you have. You try to think about eleven times nine being ninety-nine but all that comes up is something stupid someone did in that books. There’s nothing for it but to purge your brain and wipe it clean. A fresh and happy start! That’s where brain bleach comes in, giving you a clean, white start to life! NO memory is better than having everything good you’ve ever experienced tainted by the horrible memory of that book.
Well, fear no more that no childhood memory is safe! You can bleach your brain for a happy start over! Erase ever trace of that book, and probably every trace of everything you’ve ever known. You know what they say, ignorance is bliss. At least you would if you hadn’t poured hard chemicals directly onto the old grey matter! Are you happy you don’t remember that book, or because you just wet yourself? You don’t know and no longer care! That’s the beauty of it.
2. Memory Reset Button
Ever wanted to forget your favourite book just so that you can read it again, as if for the first time? Memory reset is there for you!
So you’re lending out your all time favourite book, and you say to that lucky bastard, “Wow. I’m so jealous. I wish I could read this for the first time – again!” Well, you no longer need to secretly hate your friends! You can reset your memory to read your favourite books over and over again. Targeting the cells directly related to that one book, you’re able to erase that small part of your mind in order to enjoy the thrills, pitfalls and emotional highs from the unexpected events in your favourite book!
Now you can, with Memory Reset Button! Specifically targeting localized areas of your brain that only deal with the selected book, you can take the opportunity to enjoy your favourite masterpiece again and again. Even if that means you never read another book again. What does it matter? You’ll enjoy the same book! Over, and over, and over again! Forever.
3. Sequel Express
Tagline: Do you need that sequel now? Previous book end on a massive cliff hanger? Get that sequel in your hands ASAP with Sequel Express!
Don’t you just wish you could grab your favourite author, stick them in your basement and force them to write for you every second every day? Well, of course you don’t! That’s a Stephen King novel that freaks every single author out. But, when you’re not admitting things out loud in front of the writers you admire, you kind of wish there was a way to turbo charge their writing to deliver that wonderful sequel right into your hands. Especially when you’ve just finished a book with a deliciously evil cliff hanger!
No need to fret any longer! Sequel Express is here to bend the laws of time and space in order to bring you a sequel from the future, delivered fresh to your doorstep with absolutely no side effects other than the possible deterioration and destruction of the space time continuum beyond any reparation. But what does that matter? Do you ever want to have to wait for the equivalent of the last Harry Potter book again? I didn’t think so!
4. Automatic Love Spreader
Everyone else needs to read this book now so that they can squeal over it with you. It’s not enough that you wait for people to read it – You need to MAKE them read it!
Free will is awesome unless it hurts people. Like your friends exercising their free will to not read a book you recommend because they don’t believe it’s as awesome as you proclaim. Firstly, let’s say these undeserving plebeians don’t deserve your time and attention. However, rather than waiting upon them to suddenly discover your genius in book-taste, what if you could automatically spread your love and appreciation of a book to all those you deem worthy.
Now you can with Automatic Love Spreader. Overriding decisions that people would otherwise make to ignore you, you can now force those around you to indulge in the splendor that is the latest book you read. And if they don’t like it, don’t worry! You can always just sneak brain bleach into their tea and erase all memories of your poor recommendation. Win-win for you – not so much for them…
5. Author Stalkation Device
Do you want to know what your favourite author is up to at all times? Did they just write another word? Learn something brilliant? Fart? We have the answer for you!
Authors are like unicorns. You know they exist, you want them for your magical potions, but it’s kind of wrong to hunt them down and use them for your nefarious purposes. So you can’t put them under your own personal microscope, but you still want to know their every move! Do they have an irrational fear of cockroaches? Do they like cookies? What hours to they keep? How are they going on that next novel that you absolutely need right now?
The answers, my friend, come with the Author Stalkation Device. Using this easy to install system, you can follow every move your favourite authors make. Did they just update a status about ordering a borsch from their local restaurant? Did they just leave a review for that restaurant on an anonymous truelocal account? Did they just blink – which you can totally find out from their webcam which you remotely accessed through the net? The power is in your hands to become the Big Brother your favourite authors never realized they needed. Whether they know they’re being watched or not.
Ha! That was so funny. I read your post in a George Carlin voice and made myself giggle. I would definitely love a memory reset button. Of course, the temptation would be so great that I would end up using it often and just rereading the same 10 books over and over. So, maybe for the best that particular device will not be naturally available to me until old, old age sets in.
Lol – love this list. I want all of these, especially the memory reset button – wait, I already have a bad memory, so that’s almost the same.
Great ideas! I’d love the Sequel Express, as some authors write sooooooooo slow! The space time continuum is overrated anyway. 😉
Ana Death Duarte
Hi there, Kat! Your post is so awesome! I want to know if I can translate it into Portuguese and post on my blog, http://www.icultgen.com.br – and, of course, I will link to you blog and give you the right credits! =]]]
I asked Santa for EVERY ONE of these fabulous ideas. I even made him some extra fine cookies in hopes that he will find it in his heart to leave them all. 🙂
Oh my gosh, these are hilarious! I especially love the Automatic Love Spreader. I could definitely use one of those in my life. There are some books I talk about so much that I wish I could get everyone to read.
Definitely the memory reset button (even for authors – it’d be awesome to read your own book for the first time, then you’d get a true idea of what readers were going to see). But, yes, there are books I wish I could unread so I could read them again. I would also consider this over brain bleach… but, luckily as I am not a professional reviewer, if I find a book unpleasant to read, I don’t take issue with putting a book down unfinished… well, there’s always that niggle “what if it was about to get good?”, but, yeah…
Sequel Express? Yes.
You forgot to mention the opposite of brain bleach–perfect recall so you don’t spend the first half of a sequel thinking, Who was that character again? Also speed-reading ability. Those are the two I need!
Oh my…great post! How do you come up with (post) ideas like that??? I love it! And I could need pretty much all of these inventions, but especially the Automatic Love Spreader (I cannnot understand why my mom and best friends refuse to read Harry Potter-how is that even possible???). Then again, the Memory Reset button would be deadly for me. I can’t stop rereading my favorite books anyway…Oh, and one invention I would definitely need is some kind of button you can press and then, whenever you open a book, time stands still for the rest of the world. I hate having to fight for every single minute I spend reading!
Jennifer @ The Bawdy Book Blog
I would take all these things…..and hand over the inflatable doll, too. I could dress her up nicely and use her for when I need to drive in the HOV lanes during rush hour! <—- equals more time I could be reading my favorite series after I’ve pressed my Memory Reset Button.
I would honestly love to have some brain bleach. These are definitely all products that we should have available to us!
What a Hoot!!! I’ll be laughing for days and days and days…all while waiting for someone to get five of these products on the market so I can snatch them up.
Bahaha, inflatable dolls.
I would use that brain bleach on Of Poseidon. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Ooh, I totally already have the memory reset function. Wait a year and I can read a book and be surprised by the twists all over again! Be envious. Except when someone tries to discuss something with me, and I’m all “wait, what happened?” and they’re all “did you actually read this?’
Sequel express: I especially need this when I get the ARC of the first book, but can’t get one of the next, which means waiting EVEN LONGER than regular people. BULLSHIT.
Bahaha, oh no. I would have that happen to me all the time.
I do not want to know EVERYTHING my favorite authors do, I don’t think.