Happy Fathers’ Day to all you beautiful Americans. Of course, as far as I’m concerned, you lunatics are clearly three months shy of the real fathers day that happens in September… in Australia. But nonetheless, we here are Cuddlebuggery LOVE fathers. I love my father. I assume Steph at least had a father. That or she was hatched from an egg or grown from a petri dish. Whatever, the point is, Dads are indisputably great and we want to honour them today in the traditional style of gory, violent, blood baths in which fathers are pitched against each other in merciless fights to the death – the winner ultimately achieving the highest honour known to man:
At least, that’s how we always assumed people got those things.
But apparently there are laws about bloodsports and we were going to go to international waters and do a thing, but my passport was out of date and Steph didn’t feel like it the Thursday that we could have gone so we decided, instead, to bring you four terrible YA fathers who will NOT be getting World’s Greatest Dad mug. Also, there may be some spoilers. BLOOD SPORT SPOILERS*!
4. Charlie Swan – Twilight
Now, it’s not that Charlie Swan actually means ill or tries to be negligent or anything, but he has one basic job. Get Bella to college without a) her dying, b) her suffering extraordinary psychological harm and c) getting pregnant.
Well, he failed spectacularly at that, didn’t he? He plainly saw his daughter’s irrational, unhealthy attachment to a creeper, controlling boyfriend who was putting her in dangerous situations, getting her dangerously injured and emotionally crippling her. Then she goes and gets married, dies and has a baby before college (for those who haven’t read the books – yes, in that order.)
It’s not that he didn’t see the danger. He grounded her and hated Edward Cullen with a passion. Then, for some INSANE reason, he just relents and lets her get back into what is CLEARLY a very unhealthy relationship as opposed to getting her counseling, sending her back to her mother, slapping her or fifty thousand other better ideas than letting her date her psychotic boyfriend.
Besides that fact, he’s a father and he’s supposed to be taking care of her – yet Bella acts more like a wife than a daughter – doing most of the household cleaning chores, the shopping and the cooking. It’s really, really creepy and probably unhealthy. But, hey, mustache, amirite?
3. Michael – Unearthly Trilogy
We know work is important and there are certain rules about being a super famous angel. Yet Michael is a high achiever in negligent parenting and bad work/life balance. He leaves his wife to do all the hard work raising his two children and then unceremoniously shows up just as the only parent they’ve ever known is dying.
He missed all the important stuff, his kids don’t even know him and he proceeds to be all mysterious and vague and angel-like. Like, he couldn’t have come six months earlier to get to know his kids and spend some quality time with them in order to properly support them through one of the most traumatic times they’ll ever have? Now they’re left with a stranger and intense danger and Michael seems to be one of those hands-off workaholic dads – which sucks for Clara since the demons are after her and the daughter of an arc angel is especially desirable.
You’d think he could take time out of his busy schedule of looking incredibly effeminate and having women’s hips (see image to the left) to drop a line to his daughter and let her know about his existence? Pop in to see her in a play or a recital? Nope. Apparently not.
Way to go, arcdouche, Michael! We hope that promotion to ultra divine being was worth it.
2. Valentine – Mortal Instruments saga
You know, being a sadistic, evil mastermind shouldn’t necessarily relegate you to being a bad father. Many fathers throughout history have embraced both mass-murdering, fiendish villainy and positive parenting at the same time. There’s no reason you can’t bring your daughter to work to teach her the right way to dispatch your enemies!
“If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it’s important to spend quality time with the grandkids.” –The Evil Overlord list
But Valentine doesn’t do this and seems to relish fucking with Clary and Jace’s head and just fucking around in general. For shame, Valentine. Did you even bother paying child support? Of course not, you evil bastard. Pathetic.
1. Edward Cullen – Twilight
I suppose people will be wondering how Edward manages to rate higher than an evil villain on a list of horrible fathers. The thing is, at least Valentine is quite obviously evil and if you’re going to go the route of renowned psychopath who doesn’t even do the obligatory Sunday custody trips to the park, then at least your kid has some satisfaction. They can recognize that you were busy building a fascist cult to take over the world and that daddy probably didn’t want his prince/princess implicated in case it didn’t work out. But the problem with Edward is that he’s very likely insane and grossly unstable but doesn’t particularly recognize it. Add to that, the fact that he is, a pretty shit father but nobody in Renesmee’s world will recognize that or validate her pain. It’ll take her years of psychological trauma to understand how fucked up her family life is.
The only reason he didn’t literally try to murder Renesmee in the womb was because other people were stopping him. He tried everything – including begging a werewolf to bang and knock up his wife to avoid having his daughter. Then when his daughter is born he spends three days far too busy watching Bella do sweet fuck all to spend quality time and bond with his newborn.
Then, of course, when a man declares his love for Edward’s newborn daughter, the solution is to let him hang around and babysit. And you can tell Edward is kind of relieved that Jacob is stalking his daughter since it means he’s no longer vying for Bella’s attention. Does he not give a shit at all? Of course not. Renesmee is practically raised by the extended family while he goes cavorting around the woods with Bella for long periods of time.
But the final charge, and we can’t stress this enough:
He allowed Bella to name his daughter Renesmee Carlie Cullen.
WHAT KIND OF CRAZY PSYCHOPATH DOES THAT?!?!
Happy father’s day everyone! Love you, Dad!
*not really bloodsport spoilers.