It is not a fact well known, but I invented book blogging. Don’t be deceived by the fact that my blog has only been running for a year. Years ago, just after I received my doctorate in Extreme Ass Kicking, I decided to invent book blogging. After creating this institute, and spending a lot of time on random websites looking at pictures of cats who like cheeseburgers and can’t spell, I have realized that I hold within me the intangible guide to book blogging. I present you now with a list of rules that can never be broken and must be immediately enacted on all blogs. You’re welcome, little small-minded people. I know you have been struggling, trying to eke out a blog in this untamed wilderness. But let me bring the light and civilization you so obviously need. No need to worship me. I only ask for your unending devotion.
1. All Reviews Must Reference the Almighty Lord and Saviour, Cthulhu.
2. No reviews may be posted on the much holy Frigg’s Day. If you do this, publishers will be disgusted with you, curse your children and refuse to send you any more ARCs.
3. You must make a sacrifice of ONE beanie baby per post and this sacrifice must occur on an altar constructed out of dried bubblegum pieces that you built yourself.
4. Always cover your mouth when you ARC and be sure not to spread your ARCs to others. You can’t effectively medicate against ARCs but you can control your exposure to them.
5. Authors are the only deity you are allowed to worship other than Cthulhu who works for them. You must never cross the Beloved Authors. You must love everything they do, never criticize their work and spend your every free second providing free marketing services for them.
6. Never take the Holy Blog’s name in vein. That blog being Cuddlebuggery. Cuddlebuggery is sacred and you must attend Cuddlebuggery at least once a week to have your soul cleansed. Every day is better though. And always tithe with a comment. This isn’t for our benefit, of course, but for YOURS.
I hope this completely inflexible, unresearched and entirely biased list of arbitrary rules fares you well in the rough, heathen-filled land of bloggers. We will be actively policing these rules to ensure moral rightitude among the congregation. You can expect an audit of your blog soon. Try not to quiver in fear or weep silently at our judgement.