Blogoversary Day 7: Guest Post by Author Rachel Hartman

17 February, 2013 Giveaways, Guest Spotlight 76 comments

Rachel HartmanGuest Post by Author Rachel Hartman

And now we’ve reached the last of our guest posts, and our one year blogoversary is over.  There may still be time to enter to win an ereader.  But, even better, we’ve brought to you a guest post from the most delightful Rachel Hartman!

When I reflect that I’ve known Rachel Hartman for years, I’m left in shock.  And yet, I have.  She is so unfailingly awesome, reasonable, intelligent and thoughtful that it’s easy to overlook how hilariously funny and monstrously talented she is.

Now, I know I’m being unusually nice.  I have a reason.  You see, these are probably going to be the words I speak over Rachel’s grave.  Rachel must die.  Anyone who gives me the nickname she has in her post can not be allowed to live.  That is all.  Rachel, your time has come.

Well, not yet.  See, Seraphina happens to be an amazing fantasy series and I kind of need to know how it ends.  So you have until that last book arrives in my greedy little paws, missy, before I hunt you down!


The Monster-Maker Comes Clean at Last.

People of the world, I have deceived you too long. Know now that it was I, Rachel Hartman, who unleashed the creatures you know as Kat and Steph upon the world. Believe me, I intended only the best.

How well I remember bringing them to life! It was a dark and drizzly night (this is Vancouver; we don’t do stormy). I pulled the high-voltage switch and blue lightning danced across their monstrous forms, prone upon the metal tables. They groaned like tectonic plates shifting, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

“Igor!” I cried. “They’re alive! They’re ALIVE!”

My assistant scuttled into the lab. “Master, you were supposed to be working on your sequel!”

I rolled my eyes; he’s such a scold, that Igor. “Igor, no one will want the sequel if no one has heard wonderful things about the first book. Behold,” I cried as I whipped off the sheets hiding my creations. “I’ve made critics!”

Igor staggered back in fear as the colossal creatures sat up. “But what are they for?”

“Why, you ignoramus,” I said. “They do my bidding. These critics are under my control, and they shall praise my book to the heavens. Free publicity! It can’t fail.”

“But what are they made of master?” said Igor, peeping out from behind my lab coat.

I shrugged. “This and that. Scraps. I tried to buy them some proper souls at the fish market, but the halibut was on special so I bought that instead.”

Igor sighed. “You never could spell, master. I hope you didn’t scrimp on hearts.”

“What are they going to do with hearts?” I said irritably. “I skipped hearts altogether and filled their veins with vodka.”

Igor turned a paler shade of green. “Did you at least name them? Give them that much humanity?”

“Oh for crap’s sake, Igor,” I said. “I’m not a monster.” I turned to the one with fangs. “I call this one Katastrophe.”

“Menacing. So what about the one with horns?” said Igor.

“Her I have named…” I paused for dramatic effect. “Stephanie!”

“Stephanie,” Igor said flatly. “That’s super evil.”

I waved him off; Igor never understood me, but these critics would. “Let us test their critical powers. Igor, throw the book at them!”

Igor grabbed a copy of my novel off the shelf and handed it gently to Stephanie. She rumbled low in her throat, “Plot holes!” She nibbled one corner, and ripped the cover off.

“What are you doing?” I cried.

Stephanie handed the stripped book to her comrade, the fearsome Kat, who shrieked, “Clichés!” and began shredding pages with her terrible teeth.

“Stop!” I cried, but they only laughed hysterically. “That’s not what you’re supposed to do! You’re my critics! I command you to love my book!”

Igor was watching all this with a skeptical eye. “Are you sure you know how to make monsters?”

“Of course you dunderpate,,” I cried. “I made my monstrous Ego, did I not? My Ego has been smashing buildings and terrorizing small children for years.”

Kat and Stephanie, finished decimating my book, set about destroying my laboratory, shattering flasks and setting things on fire. Then it hit me:  only my terrible Ego could possibly prove a match for them. “Igor, release my fearsome Ego. None can stand against it! ”

He was paralyzed with terror, however. I ran to the vault where I kept my enormous Ego and threw wide the doors. The monster screamed and beat its puffed-up chest with its ham-like fists. Kat and Stephanie paused in their orgy of destruction and stared at my Ego lumbering towards them, its arms raised menacingly. They hesitated but a moment, and then they charged.

I can hardly bear to describe the carnage. My hyperinflated Ego popped like a balloon beneath their razor-sharp claws and flew around the room like a crazed bumblebee, emitting a flatulent hiss. It looked like nothing could stand before these pitiless critics.

We were all doomed.

Kat and Stephanie ripped the door from its hinges and rushed into the drizzly night. I admit I let them go. I released them upon the unsuspecting world.

Igor shook his head woefully. “Master, if the world ends, everyone will blame us.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said feeling suddenly rather jolly. “They eviscerated my book, they demolished my Ego, but don’t imagine that’s the end of it. No Igor, this is only the beginning.” I clapped Igor on the back in a comradely fashion. He looked at me suspiciously.

“My sequel, man!” I cried. “Just wait. It will be my most dreadful creation yet.”

And so it shall be I, Rachel Hartman, maker of monsters, who saves you all in the end. Don’t thank me now. Just remember, when my sequel is finally finished: you owe it your life.


 Giveaway


One winner will have the choice between a hardcover copy of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman or a pre-order of its sequel Dracomachia!

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman Add to Goodreads Four decades of peace have done little to ease the mistrust between humans and dragons in the kingdom of Goredd. Folding themselves into human shape, dragons attend court as ambassadors, and lend their rational, mathematical minds to universities as scholars and teachers. As the treaty's anniversary draws near, however, tensions are high. Seraphina Dombegh has reason to fear both sides. An unusually gifted musician, she joins the court just as a member of the royal family is murdered—in suspiciously draconian fashion. Seraphina is drawn into the investigation, partnering with the captain of the Queen's Guard, the dangerously perceptive Prince Lucian Kiggs. While they begin to uncover hints of a sinister plot to destroy the peace, Seraphina struggles to protect her own secret, the secret behind her musical gift, one so terrible that its discovery could mean her very life. In her exquisitely written fantasy debut, Rachel Hartman creates a rich, complex, and utterly original world. Seraphina's tortuous journey to self-acceptance is one readers will remember long after they've turned the final page.

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman

Add to Goodreads

Four decades of peace have done little to ease the mistrust between humans and dragons in the kingdom of Goredd. Folding themselves into human shape, dragons attend court as ambassadors, and lend their rational, mathematical minds to universities as scholars and teachers. As the treaty’s anniversary draws near, however, tensions are high.

Seraphina Dombegh has reason to fear both sides. An unusually gifted musician, she joins the court just as a member of the royal family is murdered—in suspiciously draconian fashion. Seraphina is drawn into the investigation, partnering with the captain of the Queen’s Guard, the dangerously perceptive Prince Lucian Kiggs. While they begin to uncover hints of a sinister plot to destroy the peace, Seraphina struggles to protect her own secret, the secret behind her musical gift, one so terrible that its discovery could mean her very life.

In her exquisitely written fantasy debut, Rachel Hartman creates a rich, complex, and utterly original world. Seraphina’s tortuous journey to self-acceptance is one readers will remember long after they’ve turned the final page.

 

 

 

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Kat Kennedy

Kat Kennedy

Co-blogger at Cuddlebuggery
Kat Kennedy is a book reviewer and aspiring author in the Young Adult genre. She reviews critically but humorously and get super excited about great books. Find her on GoodReads.
Kat Kennedy
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Kat Kennedy

76 Responses to “Blogoversary Day 7: Guest Post by Author Rachel Hartman”

  1. rabbitsfortea

    I positively died of laughter and joy. So now we all know what Stephanie and Katastrophe, I mean Kat, are made out of. Halibut and vodka! Also, I swear it’s like this blog KNOWS my heart because I’m currently in the midst of Seraphina <3
    And this made me a little scared.
    “My sequel, man!” I cried. “Just wait. It will be my most dreadful creation yet.”
    Also, Rachel Hartman has gained a new monster follower in the form of me, yay.

  2. Valerie

    I’ve heard lots of good things about Seraphina, but haven’t
    got round to reading it yet. This brilliant post has definitely convinced me to
    hurry up already. :)

  3. TheBookRat

    See, this is why Rachel Hartman is the best. 
    Maybe worst. Do I mean worst? I mean, she did release “Katastrophe”… (ahahaha!)
    Nope, I’m sticking with best.

  4. MiltiadouK

    hehehe I like your nickname – Katastrophe ;p
    “I skipped hearts altogether and filled their veins with vodka.” Ah well now we know why you are drunk all the time :)

  5. FrancisC

    Igor!! Did I just watched that? It’s hilarious. A mad author, she’s awesome. I feel like watching a new version of  Igor.

  6. thushanihemasiri

    The story was awesome and incredibly entertaining! Not that one could expect any less from the author of the brilliant SERAPHINA!

  7. ParomaChakravarty

    Hey, Rachel! I met my best friend because of your book. We both reviewed it and started discussing it on amazon. You helped us bond!

  8. tigerlilyrachel

    So many people I’ve talked to have said this is one of the best dragon books they’ve read. I’m normally not really into that kind of thing, but I’m definitely going to make an exception with this one.

  9. desiree1612

    Wow! You two are quite the fearsome pair! Even with all the destruction you have caused, i am still grateful to Rachel Hartman for creating you because it is the distruction of the most awesome kind!

  10. christinafiorio

    Christina K. in the rafflecopter
    LOVE LOVE LOVE this little funny story!! You guys are little frankensteins! With souls that should’ve been from the fishmarket!! Awesome writing! LOVE Rachel:)
    Thank you:)

  11. Nyssa

    Funny guest post, but from what I gather, Ms. Hartman shouldn’t feel too bad about critics. I’m really eager to read Seraphina and have been since Misty plugged it months and months ago.

  12. rida

    Awesome story and made me laugh out loud!! couldn’t stop laughing! thanks for the giveaway!! :D

  13. AnimeJune

    Hahahaha, awesome. 
    I adored Rachel Hartman’s SERAPHINA! I loved all the characters – Lars and Orma especially! Count me in!

  14. veela_valoom
    Twitter:

    So many people I like in one blog post.  *hugs you all* Rachel I am grateful for the monsters you made. They are fun friends. (Wait, what does it say about me that my friends are soulless, heartless fabricated monsters?)

  15. Hui Xian

    I think it is absolutely hilarious and amazing…. but it isn’t surprising since it was written by Rachel Hartman, one of the best authors that has ever lived :)

  16. Hui Xian

    I think it is absolutely hilarious and amazing…. but it isn’t surprising since it was written by Rachel Hartman, one of the best authors that has ever lived :)

  17. Vivien

    So that’s how you monsters were created >_> *very appropriate*

    No, just kidding ;D It’s great to see Rachel at work <3

  18. Vivien

    So that’s how you monsters were created >_> *very appropriate*

    No, just kidding ;D It’s great to see Rachel at work <3

  19. sandrus52

    ” My Ego has been smashing buildings and terrorizing small children for years.” I adore anything that puts terror into children!

  20. adreamindream

    It was really interesting!! I can’t wait to read these books! Thanks for another great giveaway!!

  21. Kate C.

    Katastrophe, ahahahahahahaha!
    Rachel, your book was genius and I love it.  Not sure if you’re going to read any of these comments, but I had to add my fangirl two cents on that one.  If you ever need a new Igor, I’ll leave my husband and children and move to Vancouver.

  22. JeepinJaime

    Best Story EVER Katastrophe! I loved every second of it. AND I found my new favorite word among the story to beat all stories: Dunderpate. How can you not love it in every way. I shall always call people by that name, out of love and respect for this AMAZING author. Thank you Steph and Kat! And thank you, Rachel Hartman!

  23. IrinaG

    Heh, what a story! But as far as I remember Stephanie and Kat really loved the book, so no shredding of the book occurred. ;)

  24. Pabkins

    This was so hilarious I barely stopped laughing…infact I think I may have piddled myself a little.  But shhh don’t tell.
    I had to share it with all my friends who were online at the time.  I have the first book and have yet to read it. This post just bumped it to the top of my TBR pile! So I haven’t even read the first and now I’m foaming at the mouth for more haha.  See what she’s created?

  25. Kamla L,

    I loved the story!  It truly showcased Rachel’s tremendous creative talent and storytelling mastery. If I didn’t already have Seraphina on my wishlist, I would check it out just to see what life she would bring to another story.

  26. operativealyssa

    It was really amusing. She’s not just an awesome author but also have a great sense of humor. :D

  27. Krispy

    What a glorious origin story! Love it! Monster making never quite turns out the way you want. ;)

  28. Megan K

    Oh my God, Rachel! How could you? Unleashing these terrible monsters into the world! At least they won’t be killing you until you’ve finished the sequels… 
    (Great story, BTW!)

  29. RaindropSoup

    I loved it! I laughed out loud and adore how real—how “true”—it felt. ;) I liked the Frankenstein reference, and this part made me kinda sad but then … muaahahaha: <i>“They eviscerated my book, they demolished my Ego, but don’t imagine that’s the end of it. No Igor, this is only the beginning.”</i> Awesome guest post! I have <i>Seraphina</i> but have yet to read it. I’m waiting a little closer to book two’s release and would love a copy. Thank you for the chance to win one!

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